I saw this and wept

This refugee family is no more. They all drowned in the med, desperately trying to reach safety. As a mother myself I can’t imagine how desperate that poor young woman must have been as her three beautiful children slipped away from her. I can’t imagine the horrors she must have fled that made her take those innocent little darlings on such a perilous and uncertain journey.

So when I saw this picture and read the caption beneath it I wept.

Drowned refugee family

Then I saw this and the tears kept coming but for a very different reason.

EBF BF Send the children back comments

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Biffer’s bravery medal

KF Big Walt Ninja gnome“Right then, Biffer. Get your kit.”

Big Walt Lomax, dressed in full Ninja regalia (he thinks he’s a martial arts expert as well as everything else) looked serious. His clothes looked ridiculous but his face was serious.

“What’s going on?” Inquired Biffer.

“We’re off on a dangerous mission.”

Big Walt could hardly contain himself as the excitement mounted within his gnomish chest. He was certain there’d be another medal in it for him. Walt was the most decorated Kenneler so far, having been decorated for courage in campaigns including sneaking bravely around outside rescue kennels when nobody was there to notice to courageously shouting abuse at lefties from the safety of a police kettle. He once got decorated for performing a particularly loud sneeze within earshot of a dogs’ rescue centre where, for all anybody knew, there might have been Mongrels. Puppy Paul thought the sneeze sounded a bit like a roar and quickly declared it ‘The most bravest, patriotiest act any Kenneler had ever done, innit?’.

Biffer and his KF capBiffer gathered his ‘kit’ which consisted of nothing more than his new Kennels First cap and ‘fell in’ behind Big Walt.

“Where are we going, Big Walt?” The little Labradoodle inquired.

“That’s Captain Walt, to you!”

Biffer rolled his little eyes as he trotted obediently behind the pretentious gnome.

“I’m sorry Captain Walt, Sir. Can you please tell me where we’re going?”

“Top secret, innit.”

‘Oh for pity’s sake’ thought Biffer. This playing soldiers thing was already wearing thin and he’d only been a Kenneler for an hour or two. But he couldn’t help but smile at the ridiculousness of the scene as he and the rest of the assorted Kennelers fell into line behind this demented garden gnome and the puny puppy who ‘marched’, or more accurately ‘shuffled’ beside him.

Before he could lose himself in the comedy gold that was Kennels First’s rag tag route march, Biffer’s attention was taken by something even more ridiculous. Jayda cat’s long, white tail slithered snake-like over his shoulder and on toward Puppy Paul and Walt in the front rank ahead. On and on it went, further than any cat’s tail had any business going until it passed even Big Walt’s Ninja style fishing rod.

Jayda cats tail“Is that real?” Biffer couldn’t help himself. The words just popped out of his mouth.

“Of course not.” Hissed Slattery cat maliciously, hardly bothering to hide the hatred and avarice in her vindictive voice.

“She’s just been to the vets. She’s had another extension done”

“Aren’t tail extensions expensive?”

How on earth could Jayda, an unemployed, failed parliamentary candidate afford even a single tail extension, let alone several?

“Donations.” Hissed Slattery cat.

Suddenly it all made sense. Biffer had always wondered what happened to all the fundraising money Kennels First received from rank and file Kennelers. Now he knew. It went on Jayda cat’s tail extensions.

Clever BesserNot just Jayda cat’s unfeasibly long tail, of course. Puppy Paul had also been for cosmetic surgery. In his case it wasn’t tail extensions though.He’d had several stomach enlargements and a couple of extra chins fitted too. Of course!

Slattery cat fell silent, contenting herself by making suggestive glances at Bulldog Lewis who’d recently managed to pick himself up after his latest fall. Biffer sniggered as Clever Besser blundered into Slattery’s line of sight and found himself the apparent recipient of the capricious pussy’s suggestive and amorous glances. Slattery cat hissed her disapproval. Clever Besser looked confused.

“Keep it tight people, we’re almost there.” Puppy Paul announced, quietly sliding through the ranks to take up his usual position at the rear.

“Lock and load!” whispered Big Walt Lomax.

The Kennelers’ ‘Armed Forces Division’ licked their lips in perfect unison at the prospect of the conflict to come.

KF Walts Nazi salute gnomes captioned“I hope you’re ready Biffer. This will be the scariest battle yet!” Slattery cat was positively purring at the prospect of a fight.

“Who’s the enemy?”

The little labradoodle felt himself begin to tremble. Had he bitten off more than he could chew? He was, after all a writer, not a fighter.

“It’s a really big opponent we’re facing today, rookie.” Said Big Walt as the Biffers rounded the corner into Ladesfield Rd. “There’s our enemy.”

“Where? Are they in that old building?”

Biffer could hardly imagine what horrors lay behind the walls and dark windows of the apparently derelict building ahead. What terrible enemy might lurk there? Lefties? Mongrels? Council workers?

“It IS the building!”

KF Kennels First Biffer labradoodle Whitstable pissing competition

Jayda cat flicked her ever-lengthening tail toward the derelict nursing home. Her ice-cold hissing voice sent shivers down Biffer’s spine as she spoke. Shivering or not, Biffer found the stupidity of attacking a derelict nursing home impossible to ignore.

“What the feck? How do we fight an empty building?”

“Never underestimate the enemy.”

Bulldog Lewis’ sage advice seemed all the more impressive, spoken as it was mid fall. Seconds later the RCO Kenneler was flat on his back in the waste ground. He’d get another medal for that. Once again Bulldog had fallen in the line of duty. That’s about as bad as these things get when you’re just playing at soldiers instead of actually serving in a real war zone.

KF Walts army toy soldiers“OK ladies, fall in. No offence intended, Lewis.”

Big Walt arranged the Armed Forces Division in the empty car park. That was a familiar manoeuvre for the Kennelers. They liked attacking parking areas. They’ve even been known to attack car park barriers in particularly brave moments. Today wouldn’t be one of those days though.

Biffer braced himself for – well he wasn’t sure what for. What horrors could the car park of an empty care home hold? Really – what? Only time would tell.

The young Labradoodle took a deep breath and steeled himself for a fight.

“Right then – that’s enough of that.”

Puppy Paul shouted from the rear.

“Pub?”

“Pub!” replied Jayda cat.

KF medalIn the best display of well-drilled synchronicity they’d shown all day the Kennelers turned in unison, congratulated themselves on their bravery in The battle of the empty (but ever so scary) care home and set off down the boozer.

“So ends your first day of action with the Kennelers” Said Big Walt, handing Biffer his bravery medal.

“Well done lad.”

“You think I’m brave? But we haven’t done anything!”

Clever Besser looked confused. Slattery cat and Bulldog Lewis were already looking for the bar.

“Feckin’ amateurs!” Exclaimed Spidery Jim

Biffers behaving badly

BF Whitstable immigrants 1We wondered where the Biffers had got to yesterday. They rarely announce their movements in advance any more. That seems to be because more and more decent people are coming out to oppose the fascists wherever they show their petty little faces. Recent humiliations for neo-nazis at Liverpool and Manchester demonstrate just how unpopular the far right is in UK. Especially given the recent death of Mr. Ahmed, the 81 year old Muslim from Rotherham who was beaten to death on his way to morning prayers earlier this month.

Happily, four young men aged between 18 – 24 have been arrested in connection with the crime. Yes – you read that correctly…

FOUR young men

Aged between 18 – 24

It’s not hard to see how Britain First’s constant slurring of Rotherham’s Muslim population might have contributed to the actions of these four ‘brave’ young men in beating this lone 81 year old man so badly that he died from his injuries a few days later.

How have Britain First reacted to this tragic news?

Did they condemn the actions of these 4 young thugs?

Did they issue a call for peace and ask their supporters to abide by the law?

Did they call off their threatened trip to Rotherham to taunt Mr. Ahmed’s friends and relatives with their presence?

Of course not.

BF Whitstable immigrants 2Instead they went to Whitstable in Kent to start stirring up the same sort of community unrest that led to the vicious killing of Mr. Ahmed.

The video is just awful. In it Folding Golding and Bulldog Lewis stalk around the grounds of a proposed refugee centre, pointing in mock outrage at the nearby childrens’ play area and pretending that asylum seekers and refugees from war torn countries are child abusers. They justify this assertion by stating that ‘a high proportion’ of these refugees will be Muslims. Actually that’s not necessarily the case but even if it is, so what?

Britain First continues to peddle the same over generalisations that cannot fail to have contributed to the death of an innocent pensioner on his way to prayers.

Do you still think Britain First is just a harmless sit-com?

BF whitstable immigrants 4

Britain First and the Apocalypse

We’re grateful to possibly our newest supporter for this wonderful article. We really had no idea there were so many (and s/he assures us that this is just the tip of the iceberg). It certainly puts the Biffers’ claims of Christ’s second coming into perspective…

End times

EBF BF End times apocalypse 3I hadn’t even heard of Britain First until my sister sent me a picture from Facebook. I don’t take much interest in politics. I am very interested in theology. That was the subject of my degree. I’m not a priest but I do know a bit about religion and I know this is really very silly. The really ridiculous thing is that Britain First use the apocalypse to beg for money. What do they think they’ll spend it all on when the time comes? You really can’t take it with you!

I did a bit of searching on Facebook and found Exposing Britain First. They seem to know a lot about Nazism but they didn’t seem to know about end times prophecies. So I wrote this for them. I hope it helps.

There have been loads of people prophesying doom and gloom in history. Ever since Jesus told his followers that the end would come within their own lifetimes Christians have been waiting for the end.

“Verily I say unto you, there be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.” (Matthew 16:28)

St. John the Divine went as far as to tell us what to expect when the end came and Christian apocalypse merchants have jumped on that stuff ever since. For example…

70 CE The Essene Jews thought that the Jewish revolt against Rome (66-70 CE) was evidence of the last days. In fairness, it was for them but not for the rest of us.

EBF BF End times apocalypse 5In 156 CE Montanus (founder of the Montanists) started a very early Christian doomsday cult. One of many. He promised to see Christ’s return within his natural lifetime. He must be really, really old by now – or else he got it wrong. The Montanists carried on waiting for a few more centuries before they gave up.

Rome was 1000 years old in 247 CE. Many Christians thought this was the end of the world – especially when Romans persecuted them.

365 CE Was when Hilary of Poitiers expected the apocalypse.

A group of African Christians called the Donatists thought the world would last 15 years longer and come to an end in 380 CE.

The Bishop of Toledo, hearing about a Viking raid on an English monastery decided that the world was coming to an end in 793 CE.

Lots of people experienced ‘Millennium terror’ in 1000 CE and expected the apocalypse. When it didn’t happen they thought a bit harder about it and moved the apocalypse from the 100th anniversary of Jesus’ birth to his death. That left people just as scared in 1033 CE.

The famous ‘Letter of Toledo’ predicted the end would come on September 23rd 1186.

Christians fearing apocalypse after the failure of the first crusade massacred European Jews because they expected the second coming any day (why else would God let Muslims win?) and the bible says that there can be no practicing Jews when Jesus returns. The Biblical idea is actually conversion but medieval Christians (like modern Britain First followers) seemed to think violence and destruction would be more fun.

Pope Innocent III was also interested in Muslims. He expected the Apocalypse in 1284, 666 years after Islam began.

EBF BF End times apocalypse 2The Joachites thought it would happen in 1260 and them again in 1290. When that didn’t come to pass they went for 1335 and 1378. They didn’t come to pass either.

Archdeacon Militz of Kromeriz thought 1367. That would have really upset the Joachites who’d have been so busy waiting for 1378 they’d have missed it.

In 1524 20,000 Londoners fled the city before the expected Apocalyptic flood destroyed the city and the world. Some even stockpiled food and fortified dwellings on high ground, just like the modern survivalists of the American Bible Belt (who Britain First seem to admire). The 1524 flood was expected because of astrological predictions involving Pisces, which is a fish. Obvious, isn’t it? When the flood didn’t happen they rescheduled for 1528.

In 1525 the Anabaptists were so sure they were in the last days that they decided to overthrow the Satanic army (AKA the nobility). They lived to regret it. But not for very long.

The Anabaptists tried again in 1533. This time they promised destruction by fire with only 144,000 being spared.

Michael Stifel (not an Anabaptist) also though 1533. 8 O’ Clock on October 19th to be exact. Jan Matthys thought Stifel was too early. He reckoned on the following Easter. April 5th 1534. Pierre Turrel thought 1544. That was only because he’d got it wrong in 1537 though.

BF EBF End times ApocalypseAstrology led Richard Harvey astray in 1583 when Christ was due to appear in London at 12 O’ Clock on April 28th. Oddly the stars led Cyrrian Leowitz to a different conclusion. He expected the apocalypse a year later in 1584.

Even Martin Luther, the first Protestant thought the world would end during or before 1600 CE. Dominican Monk, Tomasso Campanella thought 1603 would be the year when the sun hit the earth at the end of time.

The 17th century saw so many Christian doomsday predictions it’s almost impossible to count them. Hardly a year passed in the 1600s without someone proclaiming that the end was nigh. The fuss caused by the English plague of 1665 and 1666 followed by the great fire of London just proved it. 1666 is the total of the number of the beast plus the 1000 year reign of the antichrist. Obviously the fire that started in Pudding Lane was caused not by a careless baker but by the returning Messiah!

John Napier saw at least half a dozen predictions come and go without apocalypse toward the end of the 17th century. You’d think he might have given up before then, wouldn’t you?

In 1736 another cheery Londoner predicted flood and destruction. He was William Whitson and his followers sold all they had to buy a flotilla of little boats in preparation. The Thames was unusually busy that day. Perhaps the same boats were used when another Doomsday Flotilla filled the Thames in 1761.

1789 – 1795 saw at least one different prediction each year. Even Charles Wesley the Methodist got in on the act predicting the end for sometime in 1794. He must have been really worried by New Years Eve! His more famous brother, John scheduled Doomsday for 2836 with Christ’s return a full 1000 years earlier in 1836. I’m afraid not, boys.

William Miller and his several thousand followers predicted a succession of apocalypses in 1843, 1844, 1845, 1846, 1849, 1851. The Millerites quickly morphed into the 7th Day Adventists.

Old Mother Shipton, the famous Yorkshire hermit prophesied that the apocalypse would occur in 1881.

EBF BF End times apocalypse 4Church of England clergyman, Michael Baxter predicted end time fun in 1861, 1867, 1868 1869 1871 and 1872. He’s the source of the 144,000 saved idea so favoured by the Jehovah’s witnesses.

According to the Jehovah’s witnesses, who seem to have taken over from Baxter, the world will/would end in 1874, 1878, 1881 while Mormon founder, Joseph Smith fully expected the world’s demise in 1891.

There were many suicides in the year 1900 to avoid the end times. In 1896 Michael Baxter had predicted the rapture at the turn of the century, simultaneously starting the American fundamentalist rapture movement and setting up hundreds of people to commit suicide at the same time. This prediction thing really is dangerous, isn’t it. Not to be deterred by the failure of his prophecy Baxter went on to predict 1903 and 1908.

Not to be outdone by Baxter the Jehovah’s witnesses went on to predict the end on 1914, 1918, 1925 and 1941.

The 1950s and 1960s saw literally dozens of Cold War inspired predictions of the second coming.

The Jehovah’s witnesses seemed to have learned their lesson during those times but then they came back with a vengeance with new predictions for 1971, 1975 and finally 1984. They seem to have stopped prophesying Armageddon for the last 30 years so possibly the Jehovah’s Witnesses have finally learned something from all those mistakes.

The same cannot be said for the rapture merchants thought. They’ve predicted our demise more or less every year since 1900, perhaps the most famous being Harold Camping who caused thousands to sell everything they earned and send him the money to aid his evangelistic mission. He predicted the end several times too, most recently for two different dates in 2012. He died a multi millionaire after refusing to return the money to his devoted but disappointed followers. He left a legacy of destitution and suicide in the wake of his prophesying.

Trust me there’s loads more I could write about. And that’s only the Christian doom and gloomers. Other people from the Mayans (2012) to Nostradamus have prophesied the apocalypse pretty repeatedly for thousands of years. Even Pliny the younger stuck his toe in the apocalypse pool after Vesuvius erupted in 79AD.

Basically they’ve all been wrong. But they’ve caused lots of hardship. End times prophesies have caused suicides, child murders, genocidal massacres and lives wasted in terror and poverty.

The next time Britain First says the end is nigh don’t worry. The bible says that nobody can know the day or the hour (Mark 13:32)(Matthew 24:36). Britain First is just trying to scare believers. All they’re really doing is showing themselves up as fools.

Biffer investigates: Initiation and indoctrination

Kennels First KF logo“Welcome to Kennels First!”

Puppy Paul slid cautiously out from behind the line of Police dogs. The mongrels, bored of waiting for Bulldog Lewis to fall over again had wandered off to the local pub for real ale. There they would play bar billiards and swap tales of stolen banners, tumbling kennellers and endlessly mistaken identities. Bloody lefties!

Undeterred by his humiliating performance in the recent pissing contest Puppy Paul strode bravely across the sodden pavement, hopped deftly over the still struggling shape of Lewis, the world’s wimpiest Bulldog and shook Biffer warmly by the paw.

“Good to have you with us, Biffer.” He said, handing Biffer his very own, Kennels First cap.

Biffer and his KF cap‘Well, that was easy.’ Thought Biffer, glancing cautiously around to make sure none of his lefty friends were there to witness his shameful association with the Kennellers. Some things just felt wrong – even if it was only for an undercover exposé.

“Don’t you want to interview me, or something?”

“No need.” The annoyingly narcissistic little puppy replied. “You tick all the boxes, anyway.”

Whatever could Puppy Paul mean? Biffer had hardly said a word so far. He’d watched the pissing competition in total silence, apart from the occasional well-concealed snigger.

“But you don’t know anything about me.” Replied the labradoodle.

“Don’t need to. You’re perfect for us.”

“Why is that?”

“Just look at how white you are. You’ll be an RCO before you know it, as long as your coat’s natural and not bleached like Slattery cat’s!”

Biffer was a little taken aback. Kennels First had always denied being colour prejudiced. They even have a few token black Labradors who they trot out for demonstrations. Hadn’t Puppy Paul himself famously told Channel Paw news that some of his best friends were black?

Puppy Paul channel paw newsWas it possible that he had lied?

On TV?

Surely not!

“Did you lie on the telly about not being racist then, Puppy Paul?”

“Shhhhh!” Said spidery Jim.

Clever Besser looked confused.

Puppy Paul pulled himself up to his full height of eleven and a half inches (the half inch is important) and frowned. At least Biffer thought it was a frown. It was difficult to say for sure. It’s not easy to detect a frown through Puppy Paul’s fixed expression of self-absorbed smugness.

“We’re not racist, innit?”

Dog foodBiffer opened his mouth to speak but Puppy Paul continued before he could think of any suitable words that wouldn’t betray his utter contempt for Kennels First.

“We’re not racist but…”

Biffer braced himself for the inevitable racism to come. He’d been studying investigative journalism long enough to know that no non-racist sentence ever begins that way – ever.

“We just don’t agree with the great mongrel invasion.” Continued Puppy Paul.

“The what?”

“The great mongrel invasion. Coming over here stealing our lamp posts. They don’t even eat meat with jelly on it. That’s just obscene.”

Biffer gulped. He’d always considered himself to have a pretty strong stomach for a labradoodle but he too had always hated meat with Jelly. Especially the cheap sort that comes in tins without ring pulls. Would that bar him from becoming a kenneller?

“That’s OK – Just pretend you’re eating Jelly-less food like the Talmudian Terriers do – not that filthy Jelly-free muck the mongrel hordes prefer.”

Clever BesserBut isn’t that the same thing?

Clever Besser looked confused.

“Shhhhh!” said Spidery Jim

Biffer heard the unmistakeable hissing of the Beta female from behind his back.

“It’s not the same at all.”

Slattery cat, back from her hiding place in the bushes over the road seemed knowledgeable on the subject. Biffer decided he needed to know more and Slattery was obviously the cat to educate him.

“What’s the difference?”

“Tell ‘im Bessie.”

Slattery cat, her confidence waning, her eyes pleading for help was sure that Clever Besser would know the answer. He was, after all, the cleverest of all the Kennellers.

Clever Besser looked confused.

“It’s all to do with saying different words while the Jelly gets removed.” Said Jayda cat, helpfully.

Biffer the labradoodle still didn’t quite understand.

“But what difference does that make? Jelly is Jelly, isn’t it?”

Spider Jim“Shhh” said Spidery Jim again.

Biffer summarises the difference…

“So what you’re saying is that the Talmudic terriers’ meat without jelly is OK even though the jelly is removed in the same way as the Mongrel hordes remove theirs. But the mongrel horde’s jellyless meat is bad while the Talmudic terriers’ jellyfree meat is good. The only difference between the two is that Talmudic terriers say one thing while they remove the jelly and the Mongrel hordes say something else. Is that right?”

“That’s exactly right.” says Puppy Paul. “Jellyless bad, jellyfree good!”

Clever Besser seemed confused.

“Oh wait…” Paul stammered. “It’s the other way around.”

“Feckin’ amateurs!” Exclaimed Spidery Jim.

Biffer the Labradoodle part 1

Biffer the labradoodle investigatesBiffer investigates: Infiltration & a pissing competition

“Be careful Biffer!”

The words echoed ominously around Canine College’s alleyway campus. With the fierce determination of a dog on a mission, Biffer the Labradoodle aimed his coal black nose forwards and set off on his biggest ever adventure. This was to be his final assignment before graduating. All Biffer needed was one good article and his future as a fully-fledged investigative journalist would be secure.

Biffer took a deep breath, sniffing the evening air as he went. Behind him, sipping brandy from the tiny barrel he wore around his neck stood his faithful tutor Bernard.

“I’m proud of you, boy.” The old professor whispered, watching until his star pupil rounded the corner at the end of the alley and disappeared from sight.

Kennels First KF logoA few minutes later Biffer was on Kennel Lane. Before him, huddled around a urine-soaked lamp post was a small group of scary looking dogs, cats and assorted caricatures of nobody in particular. It was on. The young Labradoodle’s rendezvous with the fascist ‘Kennels First’ group was only seconds away. Biffer knew he’d have to keep his cover secure or risk certain death at the hands of the evil Jayda cat. That’s assuming Slattery cat didn’t get to him first. He’d done his research and was well aware that the metaphorical pussy cats, Puppy Paul and Bulldog Lewis were nothing compared to the group’s real pussy cats, Jayda and Slattery.

Jayda and Slattery cats

“OK gentlemen, I want a good clean fight.”

Big LomaxBiffer recognised the speaker instantly. It was Big Walt Lomax, tactical genius, armed forces specialist and giant of the Kennel First movement. Rumour has it that Big Walt was a proper veteran whose great, great, great auntie Siobhan fished from the edge of a garden pond near the battlefield at Ypres. It’s true that the battle was long since over but according to legend she discovered some very interesting smells for all that and even demanded a medal for her pains. Kennels First was happy to oblige. Kennels First gives everyone medals. It’s what they do!

“No surprise there.” Muttered Biffer, approaching the lamp post, his anxiety giving way to the natural curiosity of the undercover reporter. What was going on?

“I’m OK! I’m OK!”

The voice was deep, gruff and angry.

“Just help me up, will yer?”

Lewis the Bulldog 5Bulldog Lewis lay on the yellow-stained pavement at the foot of the famous Kennels First lamp post. ‘He must’ve fallen over again’, thought Biffer. Bulldog fell over a lot.

The young labradoodle watched as Bulldog writhed around helplessly, waving his stubby little legs in a way that reminded Biffer of a struggling, upended tortoise.

“You’ll never be Top Dog acting like that. Bulldog!”

Puppy Paul ashamedBiffer felt himself gasp and hold his breath as he turned to stare at the newcomer. It was Puppy Paul himself! The leader of The Kennellers was standing just feet away and he looked mean. At least he looked as mean as a cute puppy ever can. Actually he just looked pathetic – as usual.

“You think you can piss higher than me. Eh?”

Puppy Paul’s lip twisted into a sneer. His voice was both taunting and, Biffer detected, ever so slightly tremulous. It was as though even he wasn’t sure who would win this pissing contest. The stakes were high. Whoever managed to project their urine furthest up the lamp post would win – and the winner controls the whole gang. Lewis had always been jealous of Puppy Paul and his favoured position with ‘the boss’, Spidery Jim. Kennels First could be under Bulldog and Slattery cat’s control with Puppy Paul and Jayda cat out on their cute, floppy ears once and for all. Everything rested on the achievable altitude of Puppy Paul’s next piss.

Puppy Paul has an accident“Go on, Puppy. You can do it!”

Jayda cat was nothing if not encouraging.

“And you can stop yer purring, an’ all! Why don’t you and Bulldog boy there just go and play with the traffic?”

She hissed at Slattery cat, flicking her newly extended tail in the direction of the busy road.

Without waiting for Bulldog to be helped to his feet, Puppy Paul approached the Kennels First lamp post, carefully positioning himself on three legs, the fourth limb cocked towards the offending lamp post. With all the supreme effort of a freshly potty trained puppy, Paul squeezed his abdominal muscles as tightly as he could, closed his eyes and pushed hard.

“Dogs in Kennels!” Exclaimed Clever Besser, the Kennellers’ ‘intelligence officer’. “He’s shit himself!”

Biffer smiled inwardly, dreaming of his first Pulitzer prize. Puppy Paul slinked shamefacedly away to hide behind the line of Police dogs (German shepherds, of course) that ringed the lamp post. He could see them sniggering under their studded collars as they closed ranks to protect the frightened Puppy from the gathering crowd of mongrels who jeered at his humiliation.

“Not again!” Exclaimed Jayda cat. “You really are embarrassing, Paul.”

Bulldog Lewis, certain that the leadership was his at last wobbled his way up to the lamp post. All he needed to do was hit the post with piss and Kennels First would belong to him.

“Go baby, go.”

Slattery cat could hardly contain her excitement.

Bulldog lifted his left hind leg as high as he could, straining to point his steroid-shrunken article as high into the air as caninely possible and squeezed. Big Walt held his breath, waiting to announce the Kennellers’ new leader. Surely it must be all over now. Surely nothing could stop this coup. Jayda cat and Puppy Paul would soon be handing over their crowns to Slattery and Bulldog. Unless… unless.

Disaster!

“Oh feck!” Cried Slattery cat.

“I’m sorry love.” Bulldog looked like he would cry as he picked himself up from the urine-soaked street and checked the lamp post. Not a single drop of his precious amber liquid had hit the spot.

“Will you ever stop falling over?”

Malicious Jayda catJayda cat’s claws glinted in the orange glare of the street light above. Clever Besser declared a draw and Slattery cat ran for the bushes behind the waste ground.

Biffer licked his lips, the prize-winning article already taking shape in his Labradoodle brain.

Spidery Jim, the shadowy figure behind Puppy Paul’s success just rolled his eyes and crawled off into the shadows.

“Feckin’ amateurs!”

To be continued…

Spider Jim

We were right – the Biffers really ARE Nazis

Over the weekend I’ve put together a couple of blog posts with accompanying PDFs showing how very similar Britain First’s policies and rhetoric is to the propaganda of Nazi Germany. The PDFs are quite involved but we think they make a good case for the neonazism of Britain First. They’re here and here.

EBF BF Nazi August 2015 PDF screenshot

But that was just speculation. At least until now…

I’m very new to EBF – I’ve been on board for only a few months and so there are many things I’m not familiar with. It took a couple of more experienced EBFers to point me in the right direction. I’m very grateful for that.

In particular they showed me two articles about Paul Golding during his BNP days (before Britain First existed). Interestingly both report that Golding not only has a copy of Mein Kampf (from which many of BF’s policies derive) but they also comment upon his clear racism and commitment to white supremacy.

There’s an interesting take on the famous ‘underpants headgear’ incident too – apparently it was in protest about Britain going to war with Nazi Germany. It seems that WW2 was a ‘civil war between whites’. The idea is that this country really ought to have supported its fellow caucasians who were only ‘standing up for their race’!! I kid you not!

You can find the two articles about Golding’s mis-spent youth here and here.