A view from a barstool #39 by Landlord

Beer 2“It’s the most wonderful time in the world” so the Christmas song goes. Nope the grumpy, athiest Landlord hasn’t taken leave of his senses nor has the barmaid ran off with me. It’s the time that some unwashed lefty landlords and I get together to do CAT tests on the promotional barrels of Hobgoblin (rather a lot of them) and discuss all things fascist and how we go about countering them around the country. Also they help me to write this blog. Last year they helped me on Bigot brother or big Bigot, this year we have come up with a new soap opera, Bigot Street. Hopefully someone picks it up or it could be a bigger failure than Eldorado. Forgive me any typos please, writing this after a few pints of the nectar probably isn’t the best time to do this.

This is set in a street that the fash dream of, a late 50’s terrace and people leaving the doors open. At number one a rather rotund gentleman known as Goldibollocks lives, a British flag or seven decorating both front and back, so it appears there are more people there than is thought, he appears to be the leader of the gang. He doesn’t work for a living just cons everybody and pretends to be a political heavyweight whilst being shit scared to enter into debates.

At number two is a loud mouthed harridan called Screechy who spends her days again not working but living off the begging bowl. Everyday she changes her security arrangements paid for by unsuspecting members of the public that think she does more than just screech at anybody that doesn’t pray to her particular god. She also tells all that she is a legal whizz having studied at Bigot Street’s local college, ‘The School of Hard Knocks’. She appears to have a hatred of anyone that doesn’t think the same way or is slightly tanned. She was in awe of Goldibollocks but now appears to be happier with her uncle.

Number 3 is the local newsagents, ran by a man who everyone calls Uncle Jim. He seems to like black and white flags and calling for crusades. He has all the newspapers in the shop, The Express, Mail, Brietbart. He’s the local lay preacher that hates homosexuality, Catholics and Islam. This could change depending on who he can fleece the most out of. He hates socialism but seems a bit taken by the Russian president.

Number four is a Fatman who works at the bakery. This bakery sells nothing but pies. He is a touch more literate than the others and although the bakery never opens although there always appears to be pies there in the morning. Mr Lewis is also treasurer of the streets council as he has the batteries for the calculator and the typewriter. He also can’t be trusted with the local church fêtes banner as it seems he loses them too easily.

Number Five is lived in by security guard Lomax. He is never seen without a stab vest, body camera, dodgy gloves and heavy walking stick. He seems obsessed with Screechy and Goldibollocks as he follows them everywhere they go like a faithful lapdog. He really should be licenced but can’t con anyone to put him through the course as he is too far down the hierarchy of Bigot Street. He is most likely to run in the opposite direction of anyone tanned.

Next there seems to be a confused gent. He hates immigration but has a name like Carmelo. He seems hell bent on getting into the A team and climbing the ladder of the hierarchy and closer to the honeypot. He seems to want to take on the immigrants with a stab vest, camouflage and a ruler.

At number seven, although on the outside of the main team is Nasty Nick. He seems to have talked his way in by sucking up to Uncle Jim. He has political ambition and appeared on the TV being owned by an audience. He wants all his fellow bigot’s to follow him to Hungary to set up racist world but no one wants to invest.

At number eight, although his house has the number 228 on it is a chap called Broomfield. He has the number 228 as although a paid up member of the gang he is an embarrassment to the high command.

Here I must stop with the houses, mainly due to the fact the Hobgoblin is taking effect.

At the end of Bigot Street there is a pub. A real olde world one with bar billiards (would have been a snooker room but Screechy and Goldibollocks kept taking it for filming). This pub sells great British beer like Stella, Carlsberg and Guinness. The top shelf of Smirnoff, Bacardi and Jim Beam, you know none of that foreign muck here. The Bigot’s stand around the old Joanna singing patriotic songs and wishing it was 1958 when blighty wasn’t overran by johnny foreigner, we all sang the national anthem and we respected the law of the land (as long as it wasn’t made by communist police and the lefty lackeys of the judiciary. The bigot’s talk long into the night deciding that a wall round their street complete with machine gun nests and barbed wire before toddling off for a non halal kebab.

So that’s the idea, I only need firty faaaaaaasand paaaaaands to get it off the ground. Can you chip in.
TARGET firty faaaaaaasand
Amount conned a midget gem, a marshmallow, three buttons and a safety pin.

Anyway, I should be back next week cuddling another barrel and reporting on all things biffer if the hangover goes and I have bought a big enough anniversary present for the wife.


View from a barstool #38 by Landlord

Beer 2A Screechy special

A lot on at Landlord towers as my eldest daughter dumped her boyfriend after he called me a lefty do gooder and a Muslim appeaser. She found out he was a biffer and promptly told him where to go. The youngest son is being marched to the local mosque during the half term break after calling Fatima a fat Paki bomber and although said in the heat of the moment he realises that I or my wife won’t stand for this and time for him to learn.

By now you will have seen the latest begging email for Screechy’s defence at her forthcoming witch hunt sorry court case. This email was funny it has the landlady thinking I’m close to running off with the barmaid as I chuckle long into the night. This being so I’ve decided that this week’s blog will be all about the harridan and not the way the publicity seeking biffers would like.

The Email starts and immediately my chuckles begin. She is according to the high command “an extraordinary woman” and asks whether I have ever seen a young lady with more courage, bravery and guts as our Screechy? Well Goldibollocks yes I have. From Florence Nightingale, the suffragettes, the women who fought in the world wars and those since then. The doctors and nurses, cleaners and all those in the NHS, The policewomen putting themselves on the front line (usually keeping the peace when fucknuggets like Britain First come to town.) Fire women who help keep us safe and the female members of our armed forces and the lady who lives down the road who’s husband died leaving her with four kids. Instead of turning to the welfare state she has two jobs and looks knackered all the time. These are examples of extraordinary women not someone who’s sole aim is bigotry and conning money out of people to keep her lifestyle.

Paragraph two, pass me the gag, she has been abused by the police while confronting Anjem which is so far away from the truth. She confronted him for the publicity, when she knew Choudary couldn’t say anything because of his bail condition she also turns up with her shittroopers. This isn’t brave this is cowardly. The Email goes on that she is harassed by anti terrorist police (send me a number for a divorce lawyer quick) now forgive me for this but in this world of terrorism I’m pretty sure that the security services have better things to do than harass cockwombles.

It continues, “now the corrupt PCC’s are dragging her into court with the intention of jail time.” Again forgive me for laying it straight but if you don’t break the law of this land you won’t be prosecuted or face jail time.

The edict from biffer high command then goes on to list her crimes and although we’ve covered them before I’ll laugh my way through them.

Firstly, the aggravated racial harassment, to which biffer high command says Screechy was attacked first. Now I’ve seen the videos, both of them, and even the biffers own heavily edited video appears to bear out the fact that the abuse stemmed from one person and one person only, again flanked by her shittroopers and bodyguards she appears to abuse a women and when the woman starts to own her she cries abuse. Again not courageous but cowardly.

I notice that the other two charges aren’t listed on there, could it be she may plead guilty to wearing a political uniform bravely capitulating like her beloved Fuhrer. And not answering to her bail conditions which she so bravely ripped up in front of a camera then found out she was in breach and defiantly pleaded not guilty to.

So the to the crux of the email. Not five, not seven and a ‘alf not even ten but can you focus a favour and give us fifteen faaaaaaasand paaaaaands because you are getting fucked off with us and fings are so expensive nowadays. I mean Screechy might have to get a job if you don’t.

The Email asks me if I ever knew of a more courageous woman. I’ll leave it up to you to decide but in all my years I’ve never known a bigger coward, and hopefully a jailed, humbled coward at that. I started off in EBF feeling rather sorry for Screechy but that has changed to almost, and I stress almost, a dislike.

So that’s it, I’ve come through this week I’m not sure about the divorce but as our legal fund is bare could you please send hobnobs, midget gems, pot noodles and Marmite to us just in case. We don’t like to ask but hey why not?


A view from a barstool #37 by Landlord

Beer 2Well then here we are again, nights drawing in, central heating fired up, logs for the fire delivered and stored, Pimms back in the stockroom until either Wimbledon starts or someone remembers they like it (along with the babysham and Blue Nun I’ve forgotten about for years). And the biffers still twatwaffling on about things that happened years ago.

As we were reliably informed by biffer towers they’ve reached 1.5 million likes for their tawdry page on Facebook. “Bigger than any other political party” they say, proof that “Britain wants Britain First” Now not one to put a dampener on this lads but Britain doesn’t want you, there’s 40 odd million other Facebooking souls in the UK and as you quite like to say after the referendum the majority have spoken. Also they quite like to bandy the phrase “legitimate political party” about quite regularly but which other legitimate political party has no local council seats, no MP’s, no MEP’s, no mayors and have a conference in the back room of the Dog and Duck. In fact their argument has more holes in than their accounts.

Ah, says our pet troll, you only have 91000 likes you are just jealous. Well me ol’ mucker we aren’t. We don’t pay to promote our page, we don’t pay for likes or use clickbait. The admins and followers have been brought together because of the lies, bigotry and downright racism of the conmen and women that are Biffers. We, all of us, work bloody hard to expose them at every turn.

We also, don’t, when the cash cow that is their British followers catch onto their cons and won’t pay to stop Goldibollocks and Screechy having to get a job turn to bigots and racists across the Atlantic or the other side of the world to fund ol’ uncle Jim. In fact we are pretty sure that if uncle Jim could con money out of Russian communists there would be a “Red First”

bf-jayda-fransen-screechy-day-of-nonsense-in-telfordAway from this, Screechy’s court case is rapidly approaching. She wen’t  missing for a while (perhaps she was with Jimbo in Hungary) but our EBF satellite and drones eventually picked up her screeching voice in Telford. Maybe the signal didn’t reach to Hungary so we had to wait until she got back to her beloved Britain before we could detect her raucous tones. The truth is we don’t really care because as long as she feels the full force of the law next month we’ll be happy.

She and the Biffers can’t play their silly little games this time, no petulant ripping up of bail conditions, no sending their shittroopers to a town to stick two fingers up at the authorities… just silence. The reason, if all being fair, she could be spending time at her majesty’s pleasure, could be hearing the opening titles of Porridge (go on admit it you’re saying it now) and we and many, many others will be making virtual high fives all through the Britain she claims to love so much.

I hate to bang on about anything but one thing I must ask, please tell your families, mates, pets and neighbours. The Biffers and other scammers are due out again, trying to get you into parting with your money for Remembrance Day. Please make sure you only give to the RBL and don’t let the fucknuggets get any money intended for veterans.

Now back to the stockroom. I’m sure there’s a case of Lambrini there somewhere.


View from a barstool #36 by Landlord

Beer 2Another week of looking at the biffer page, another week of thinking I’m in a time warp. Watching the latest videos they’ve posted, well I say watching, I don’t watch them I just read the résumé that the other admins write I really believe that whoever is in charge of the asylum has barricaded themselves in Biffer Towers and changed the passwords to the account.

The recent trip to Oldham which,according to the high command, is a no go zone for white Christians passed off quietly apart from squealing bagpipes and,it appears, total disinterest by shoppers. A video was posted of Goldibollocks using a microphone to talk to a couple few so called islamists or peaceful shopping Muslims as I like to call them. Could it be people who are anti biffer or even pro biffer cannot be arsed anymore and treat the cockwombles with indifference. Once again the same twatwafflers were there, Goldibollocks’ shit troopers and a couple of activists that we have all seen before. So much for their “we have faaasands of new activists signing up.”

The latest begging email was an absolute hoot. Please can you “chip in” to enable us to pay to replace a camera after one of our activists had our usual one broken in a deadly attack by a radical islamist outside the East London Mosque, you know the one, a kick aimed at the retreating, rampaging biffers fleeing because they decided to be cuntish trying to stop prayers…..and the kicker, despite being caught on camera has never been caught (our moley even intimated that it was one of their own missing a Muslim). Anyway I digress, this camera according to the high command is £995. Surely they can’t think their sheep are that stupid and would check, but no, we did it for them, and it only costs half of what they asked. In fact, since I have been an admin for just over a year I have done a quick add up and apart from election funds, they have asked for just shy of quarter of a million quid. I would ask you all if you had any ideas where the money has gone but I can guess the response.

Finally, now we have replenished our hobnob stocks, I wonder what ideas you all have about the location of the next day of inaction. Answers will probably not be rewarded with Hobnobs but treated for the comedy value they normally are.

So that’s it, week over and I’m hoping that when I look at my calendar it will show I’m still in 2016 and not in the early noughties


A view from a barstool #35 by Landlord

Beer 2Ha!!!! 1-0 to me, both over the Landlady who made me rebuild the pub garden for the kids only to see 2 days of drizzle, and after last week’s ‘view from a barstool’, over the biffers as they duly posted the poppy burning story. So a smug, grumpy landlord is writing this week.

A view from a barstool #34 by Landlord

Beer 2Well there’s a thing, another week of lovely warm sunshine keeping winter at bay and I’m getting it in the neck from the Landlady for putting away the summer play things in the pub garden, I blame the weathermen who told me it was going to be a short Indian summer.

I have a question to ask. Are you ready for the Biffers silly season? Yep it’s that time again. As Autumn hits our shores the biffers propaganda ministry will go into overdrive. Muslims taking control of government and councils to harm all British patriots’ way of life. Hallowe’en, Remembrance Day, Christmas, the usual shit fuelled by the bastions of truth The Sun, Mail and Express.

So lets have a look at these Great British traditions one by one. These traditions that every year are supposedly shut down by Islamic leaders, every year we see hysterical headlines and social media statuses that are basically either downright lies or twist the story to such a degree that Muslims are made to be the evil ones fuelling an already slow burning hatred that has got worse since the referendum.

Hallowe’en, the day when parents all over the country, who normally wouldn’t let their kids go round knocking on doors or talking to strangers, allow their kids to do just that. This last year was supposedly banned in a lot of areas. It wasn’t in most places and where it was it was the police and councils fearing anti social behaviour. Again we saw headlines in the gruesome threesome and fuelled the hate.

Remembrance day – the day British Patriots adore as once more they can pretend to be more patriotic than the rest of us. Age old stories will be regurgitated, poppies being burnt, Muslims disrespecting the dead, Muslims stopping remembrance marches and Biffers adding security to armed forces cadets selling poppies.

BF NF EBF Paul Golding underpantsThe poppies were burnt, yes but a long time ago, the people doing it were dealt with there and then and they were rightly convicted and fined. It reminds me of the pictures I saw of a certain BNP racist cockwomble wandering around the cenotaph with a pair of Y-fronts om his head. If you havent seen this before this arsewipe has become leader of a “registered political” party.

Our memes last year documented the hundreds of thousands of Muslims who died protecting our freedom. Their relatives must be wondering why right now.

Finally, on Remembrance Day , or at least on the run up to the day Goldibollocks tells his shit troopers to go and “protect” the army of cadets who collect money for veterans from the hordes of lefties and Muslims that are out to desecrate the memories of the fallen. Except they don’t protect…..they hide away until any adults have gone off then get a selfie with the cadets, place it on Facebook and the dickwads that follow the page eat it up. The Biffers respect our fallen so much they sell tat, dressed up as British Legion merchandise and pocket the money for their own grubby means.

A friend of the page, John McKnight has been asking Goldibollocks where the money raised has gone. Ask yourself the question then, who disrespects the fallen more, Muslims, lefties, Foldibollocks or the biffers.

muslims ban christmas propaganda fail.jpgFinally Christmas, I don’t think there is a day goes by in November or December that a headline in the gruesome threesome, a meme or a link to an ultra right wing think tank that doesn’t say CHRISTMAS GETS CANCELLED. Now I don’t like Christmas apart from my coffers bulging but each to their own. The Muslims I know celebrate the day, maybe not as christians do but still give presents, invite friends for a cocktail or three (grrr not spending in my gaff) and generally enjoy the time as much as a certain grumpy landlord. Also, in the afternoon, Naz opens his store for forgotten things and fags. The reasons lights, decorations or trees don’t go up is not Muslims, grumpy landlords or athiests it’s because councils can’t afford it, health and safety or a myriad of other reasons.


But it doesn’t matter to Biffers. Any article in the propaganda sheets will be siezed upon and twisted for their own gain to keep the anti Muslim sentiment going.

I would offer a packet of toffee chocolate hobnobs if you manage to see a positive article about any of these but I checked EBF coffers and we seem only to have half a packet of midget gems, two packets of quavers, a bottle of Lambrini and a packet of hummus.

Now back to the job, putting back up the climbing frame, swings and benches…..wheres my hammer.


A view from a barstool #33 by Landlord

Beer 2I sit here basking in the late summer sunshine, beer in hand, kids running about (now finally back at school). I’m wondering what the fuck brexit means, whether my life would’ve been better had I been to grammar school and I’m watching the paralympics on TV, marvelling at how these athletes overcame disabilities to perform at the highest level with more patrotism than the combined darkside of the far right fucknuggets.

And that brings us on to all things Biffer. An upcoming trip to Wales, begging letters that appear to show desperation, videos that probably were filmed on Betamax they’re so old and finally a sighting of the lesser known Screechy.

The next stage of the Biffer roadtrip moves into Wales, probably countered by Antifa, which we here at EBF Towers call musical chairs. We have to say that Moley doesn’t think many will turn up apart from the usual hierachy, so called ‘security’ and a few knuckledragging racists. I did wonder if, instead of building a wall in Calais, we shouldn’t build one round Wales to stop Goldibollocks and the high command coming back. Then I remembered that I love Wales, having holidayed on the Pembrokeshire coast during my formative years and have quite a few mates living there. It will be another jingoistic display, probably begging for money and full of anti Muslim and lefty rhetoric.

To the begging letters, which according to Der Fuhrer will stop for a bit (probably as they’ve paid for his trip to the all white enclave Uncle Jim and Nick Griffin have set up in Hungary) have become almost hilarious, definitely desperate and possibly fraudulant. Now “donations” are being paid into their “Merchandising” account as their normal account has been frozen by their provider, probably because the provider has worked out that they are racist spunktrumpets which goes against their terms and conditions. So once the company returns the 7.5k, the muppets have got 15 faaasaaaand paaands in their account. However, Team EBF reckon HMRC might be interested in it. Whatever it is it stinks worse than Stevie Lewis on a hot day with no deodorant.

The videos are even worse. The high command seem to have ramped up the islamaphobic sentiment on their page. They seemingly trawl through Youtube finding any slightly brown people gathered in a town causing fights and Jim’s your Uncle – Muslims riot, Muslims beat someone up, Muslims this or Muslims that. The trouble is these are videos from years ago, some not in this country and most don’t even show Muslims. On one of their feeder pages they even decided to publish a video of a Christian hate preacher being drowned out by bagpipes and dressed it up as a Muslim hate preacher being drowned out. Even when some of our page readers told them what the original was about their sheeple and disciples had already decided their version of the truth.

Now I haven’t really missed her but she’s finally surfaced. The lesser spotted Dutchy ‘screechy’ Fransen finally was spotted in Birmingham. On one of their increasingly inflammatory days out, countered by antifa, Screechy was seen chatting to the Police. We think, well I do, that she was probably checking that she hadn’t broken any bail conditions. Talking of bail conditions did Goldibollocks break his when they invaded a Mosque in Cardiff? BBC say that the Mosque have complained about the invasion so watch this space.

So thats it then, the week in Bifferdom… lies, possible fraud and another roadtrip. Hopefully another week closer to their closure. Disgusting as they are I still laugh at the majority of their antics. Time now for another pint, a quick tab and get the new pool team to take the game seriously.