Biffer investigates: Initiation and indoctrination

Kennels First KF logo“Welcome to Kennels First!”

Puppy Paul slid cautiously out from behind the line of Police dogs. The mongrels, bored of waiting for Bulldog Lewis to fall over again had wandered off to the local pub for real ale. There they would play bar billiards and swap tales of stolen banners, tumbling kennellers and endlessly mistaken identities. Bloody lefties!

Undeterred by his humiliating performance in the recent pissing contest Puppy Paul strode bravely across the sodden pavement, hopped deftly over the still struggling shape of Lewis, the world’s wimpiest Bulldog and shook Biffer warmly by the paw.

“Good to have you with us, Biffer.” He said, handing Biffer his very own, Kennels First cap.

Biffer and his KF cap‘Well, that was easy.’ Thought Biffer, glancing cautiously around to make sure none of his lefty friends were there to witness his shameful association with the Kennellers. Some things just felt wrong – even if it was only for an undercover exposé.

“Don’t you want to interview me, or something?”

“No need.” The annoyingly narcissistic little puppy replied. “You tick all the boxes, anyway.”

Whatever could Puppy Paul mean? Biffer had hardly said a word so far. He’d watched the pissing competition in total silence, apart from the occasional well-concealed snigger.

“But you don’t know anything about me.” Replied the labradoodle.

“Don’t need to. You’re perfect for us.”

“Why is that?”

“Just look at how white you are. You’ll be an RCO before you know it, as long as your coat’s natural and not bleached like Slattery cat’s!”

Biffer was a little taken aback. Kennels First had always denied being colour prejudiced. They even have a few token black Labradors who they trot out for demonstrations. Hadn’t Puppy Paul himself famously told Channel Paw news that some of his best friends were black?

Puppy Paul channel paw newsWas it possible that he had lied?

On TV?

Surely not!

“Did you lie on the telly about not being racist then, Puppy Paul?”

“Shhhhh!” Said spidery Jim.

Clever Besser looked confused.

Puppy Paul pulled himself up to his full height of eleven and a half inches (the half inch is important) and frowned. At least Biffer thought it was a frown. It was difficult to say for sure. It’s not easy to detect a frown through Puppy Paul’s fixed expression of self-absorbed smugness.

“We’re not racist, innit?”

Dog foodBiffer opened his mouth to speak but Puppy Paul continued before he could think of any suitable words that wouldn’t betray his utter contempt for Kennels First.

“We’re not racist but…”

Biffer braced himself for the inevitable racism to come. He’d been studying investigative journalism long enough to know that no non-racist sentence ever begins that way – ever.

“We just don’t agree with the great mongrel invasion.” Continued Puppy Paul.

“The what?”

“The great mongrel invasion. Coming over here stealing our lamp posts. They don’t even eat meat with jelly on it. That’s just obscene.”

Biffer gulped. He’d always considered himself to have a pretty strong stomach for a labradoodle but he too had always hated meat with Jelly. Especially the cheap sort that comes in tins without ring pulls. Would that bar him from becoming a kenneller?

“That’s OK – Just pretend you’re eating Jelly-less food like the Talmudian Terriers do – not that filthy Jelly-free muck the mongrel hordes prefer.”

Clever BesserBut isn’t that the same thing?

Clever Besser looked confused.

“Shhhhh!” said Spidery Jim

Biffer heard the unmistakeable hissing of the Beta female from behind his back.

“It’s not the same at all.”

Slattery cat, back from her hiding place in the bushes over the road seemed knowledgeable on the subject. Biffer decided he needed to know more and Slattery was obviously the cat to educate him.

“What’s the difference?”

“Tell ‘im Bessie.”

Slattery cat, her confidence waning, her eyes pleading for help was sure that Clever Besser would know the answer. He was, after all, the cleverest of all the Kennellers.

Clever Besser looked confused.

“It’s all to do with saying different words while the Jelly gets removed.” Said Jayda cat, helpfully.

Biffer the labradoodle still didn’t quite understand.

“But what difference does that make? Jelly is Jelly, isn’t it?”

Spider Jim“Shhh” said Spidery Jim again.

Biffer summarises the difference…

“So what you’re saying is that the Talmudic terriers’ meat without jelly is OK even though the jelly is removed in the same way as the Mongrel hordes remove theirs. But the mongrel horde’s jellyless meat is bad while the Talmudic terriers’ jellyfree meat is good. The only difference between the two is that Talmudic terriers say one thing while they remove the jelly and the Mongrel hordes say something else. Is that right?”

“That’s exactly right.” says Puppy Paul. “Jellyless bad, jellyfree good!”

Clever Besser seemed confused.

“Oh wait…” Paul stammered. “It’s the other way around.”

“Feckin’ amateurs!” Exclaimed Spidery Jim.