Biffer’s bravery medal

KF Big Walt Ninja gnome“Right then, Biffer. Get your kit.”

Big Walt Lomax, dressed in full Ninja regalia (he thinks he’s a martial arts expert as well as everything else) looked serious. His clothes looked ridiculous but his face was serious.

“What’s going on?” Inquired Biffer.

“We’re off on a dangerous mission.”

Big Walt could hardly contain himself as the excitement mounted within his gnomish chest. He was certain there’d be another medal in it for him. Walt was the most decorated Kenneler so far, having been decorated for courage in campaigns including sneaking bravely around outside rescue kennels when nobody was there to notice to courageously shouting abuse at lefties from the safety of a police kettle. He once got decorated for performing a particularly loud sneeze within earshot of a dogs’ rescue centre where, for all anybody knew, there might have been Mongrels. Puppy Paul thought the sneeze sounded a bit like a roar and quickly declared it ‘The most bravest, patriotiest act any Kenneler had ever done, innit?’.

Biffer and his KF capBiffer gathered his ‘kit’ which consisted of nothing more than his new Kennels First cap and ‘fell in’ behind Big Walt.

“Where are we going, Big Walt?” The little Labradoodle inquired.

“That’s Captain Walt, to you!”

Biffer rolled his little eyes as he trotted obediently behind the pretentious gnome.

“I’m sorry Captain Walt, Sir. Can you please tell me where we’re going?”

“Top secret, innit.”

‘Oh for pity’s sake’ thought Biffer. This playing soldiers thing was already wearing thin and he’d only been a Kenneler for an hour or two. But he couldn’t help but smile at the ridiculousness of the scene as he and the rest of the assorted Kennelers fell into line behind this demented garden gnome and the puny puppy who ‘marched’, or more accurately ‘shuffled’ beside him.

Before he could lose himself in the comedy gold that was Kennels First’s rag tag route march, Biffer’s attention was taken by something even more ridiculous. Jayda cat’s long, white tail slithered snake-like over his shoulder and on toward Puppy Paul and Walt in the front rank ahead. On and on it went, further than any cat’s tail had any business going until it passed even Big Walt’s Ninja style fishing rod.

Jayda cats tail“Is that real?” Biffer couldn’t help himself. The words just popped out of his mouth.

“Of course not.” Hissed Slattery cat maliciously, hardly bothering to hide the hatred and avarice in her vindictive voice.

“She’s just been to the vets. She’s had another extension done”

“Aren’t tail extensions expensive?”

How on earth could Jayda, an unemployed, failed parliamentary candidate afford even a single tail extension, let alone several?

“Donations.” Hissed Slattery cat.

Suddenly it all made sense. Biffer had always wondered what happened to all the fundraising money Kennels First received from rank and file Kennelers. Now he knew. It went on Jayda cat’s tail extensions.

Clever BesserNot just Jayda cat’s unfeasibly long tail, of course. Puppy Paul had also been for cosmetic surgery. In his case it wasn’t tail extensions though.He’d had several stomach enlargements and a couple of extra chins fitted too. Of course!

Slattery cat fell silent, contenting herself by making suggestive glances at Bulldog Lewis who’d recently managed to pick himself up after his latest fall. Biffer sniggered as Clever Besser blundered into Slattery’s line of sight and found himself the apparent recipient of the capricious pussy’s suggestive and amorous glances. Slattery cat hissed her disapproval. Clever Besser looked confused.

“Keep it tight people, we’re almost there.” Puppy Paul announced, quietly sliding through the ranks to take up his usual position at the rear.

“Lock and load!” whispered Big Walt Lomax.

The Kennelers’ ‘Armed Forces Division’ licked their lips in perfect unison at the prospect of the conflict to come.

KF Walts Nazi salute gnomes captioned“I hope you’re ready Biffer. This will be the scariest battle yet!” Slattery cat was positively purring at the prospect of a fight.

“Who’s the enemy?”

The little labradoodle felt himself begin to tremble. Had he bitten off more than he could chew? He was, after all a writer, not a fighter.

“It’s a really big opponent we’re facing today, rookie.” Said Big Walt as the Biffers rounded the corner into Ladesfield Rd. “There’s our enemy.”

“Where? Are they in that old building?”

Biffer could hardly imagine what horrors lay behind the walls and dark windows of the apparently derelict building ahead. What terrible enemy might lurk there? Lefties? Mongrels? Council workers?

“It IS the building!”

KF Kennels First Biffer labradoodle Whitstable pissing competition

Jayda cat flicked her ever-lengthening tail toward the derelict nursing home. Her ice-cold hissing voice sent shivers down Biffer’s spine as she spoke. Shivering or not, Biffer found the stupidity of attacking a derelict nursing home impossible to ignore.

“What the feck? How do we fight an empty building?”

“Never underestimate the enemy.”

Bulldog Lewis’ sage advice seemed all the more impressive, spoken as it was mid fall. Seconds later the RCO Kenneler was flat on his back in the waste ground. He’d get another medal for that. Once again Bulldog had fallen in the line of duty. That’s about as bad as these things get when you’re just playing at soldiers instead of actually serving in a real war zone.

KF Walts army toy soldiers“OK ladies, fall in. No offence intended, Lewis.”

Big Walt arranged the Armed Forces Division in the empty car park. That was a familiar manoeuvre for the Kennelers. They liked attacking parking areas. They’ve even been known to attack car park barriers in particularly brave moments. Today wouldn’t be one of those days though.

Biffer braced himself for – well he wasn’t sure what for. What horrors could the car park of an empty care home hold? Really – what? Only time would tell.

The young Labradoodle took a deep breath and steeled himself for a fight.

“Right then – that’s enough of that.”

Puppy Paul shouted from the rear.

“Pub?”

“Pub!” replied Jayda cat.

KF medalIn the best display of well-drilled synchronicity they’d shown all day the Kennelers turned in unison, congratulated themselves on their bravery in The battle of the empty (but ever so scary) care home and set off down the boozer.

“So ends your first day of action with the Kennelers” Said Big Walt, handing Biffer his bravery medal.

“Well done lad.”

“You think I’m brave? But we haven’t done anything!”

Clever Besser looked confused. Slattery cat and Bulldog Lewis were already looking for the bar.

“Feckin’ amateurs!” Exclaimed Spidery Jim

Biffer investigates: Initiation and indoctrination

Kennels First KF logo“Welcome to Kennels First!”

Puppy Paul slid cautiously out from behind the line of Police dogs. The mongrels, bored of waiting for Bulldog Lewis to fall over again had wandered off to the local pub for real ale. There they would play bar billiards and swap tales of stolen banners, tumbling kennellers and endlessly mistaken identities. Bloody lefties!

Undeterred by his humiliating performance in the recent pissing contest Puppy Paul strode bravely across the sodden pavement, hopped deftly over the still struggling shape of Lewis, the world’s wimpiest Bulldog and shook Biffer warmly by the paw.

“Good to have you with us, Biffer.” He said, handing Biffer his very own, Kennels First cap.

Biffer and his KF cap‘Well, that was easy.’ Thought Biffer, glancing cautiously around to make sure none of his lefty friends were there to witness his shameful association with the Kennellers. Some things just felt wrong – even if it was only for an undercover exposé.

“Don’t you want to interview me, or something?”

“No need.” The annoyingly narcissistic little puppy replied. “You tick all the boxes, anyway.”

Whatever could Puppy Paul mean? Biffer had hardly said a word so far. He’d watched the pissing competition in total silence, apart from the occasional well-concealed snigger.

“But you don’t know anything about me.” Replied the labradoodle.

“Don’t need to. You’re perfect for us.”

“Why is that?”

“Just look at how white you are. You’ll be an RCO before you know it, as long as your coat’s natural and not bleached like Slattery cat’s!”

Biffer was a little taken aback. Kennels First had always denied being colour prejudiced. They even have a few token black Labradors who they trot out for demonstrations. Hadn’t Puppy Paul himself famously told Channel Paw news that some of his best friends were black?

Puppy Paul channel paw newsWas it possible that he had lied?

On TV?

Surely not!

“Did you lie on the telly about not being racist then, Puppy Paul?”

“Shhhhh!” Said spidery Jim.

Clever Besser looked confused.

Puppy Paul pulled himself up to his full height of eleven and a half inches (the half inch is important) and frowned. At least Biffer thought it was a frown. It was difficult to say for sure. It’s not easy to detect a frown through Puppy Paul’s fixed expression of self-absorbed smugness.

“We’re not racist, innit?”

Dog foodBiffer opened his mouth to speak but Puppy Paul continued before he could think of any suitable words that wouldn’t betray his utter contempt for Kennels First.

“We’re not racist but…”

Biffer braced himself for the inevitable racism to come. He’d been studying investigative journalism long enough to know that no non-racist sentence ever begins that way – ever.

“We just don’t agree with the great mongrel invasion.” Continued Puppy Paul.

“The what?”

“The great mongrel invasion. Coming over here stealing our lamp posts. They don’t even eat meat with jelly on it. That’s just obscene.”

Biffer gulped. He’d always considered himself to have a pretty strong stomach for a labradoodle but he too had always hated meat with Jelly. Especially the cheap sort that comes in tins without ring pulls. Would that bar him from becoming a kenneller?

“That’s OK – Just pretend you’re eating Jelly-less food like the Talmudian Terriers do – not that filthy Jelly-free muck the mongrel hordes prefer.”

Clever BesserBut isn’t that the same thing?

Clever Besser looked confused.

“Shhhhh!” said Spidery Jim

Biffer heard the unmistakeable hissing of the Beta female from behind his back.

“It’s not the same at all.”

Slattery cat, back from her hiding place in the bushes over the road seemed knowledgeable on the subject. Biffer decided he needed to know more and Slattery was obviously the cat to educate him.

“What’s the difference?”

“Tell ‘im Bessie.”

Slattery cat, her confidence waning, her eyes pleading for help was sure that Clever Besser would know the answer. He was, after all, the cleverest of all the Kennellers.

Clever Besser looked confused.

“It’s all to do with saying different words while the Jelly gets removed.” Said Jayda cat, helpfully.

Biffer the labradoodle still didn’t quite understand.

“But what difference does that make? Jelly is Jelly, isn’t it?”

Spider Jim“Shhh” said Spidery Jim again.

Biffer summarises the difference…

“So what you’re saying is that the Talmudic terriers’ meat without jelly is OK even though the jelly is removed in the same way as the Mongrel hordes remove theirs. But the mongrel horde’s jellyless meat is bad while the Talmudic terriers’ jellyfree meat is good. The only difference between the two is that Talmudic terriers say one thing while they remove the jelly and the Mongrel hordes say something else. Is that right?”

“That’s exactly right.” says Puppy Paul. “Jellyless bad, jellyfree good!”

Clever Besser seemed confused.

“Oh wait…” Paul stammered. “It’s the other way around.”

“Feckin’ amateurs!” Exclaimed Spidery Jim.