A prison romance

This weekend something amazing happened. Big Ali “crusher” Mirza of Bradford had given up all hope of ever finding his true love when he went inside just under 7 years ago. Interviewed a couple of years back for the prison newspaper, ‘Her Majesty’s pleasure’ he said

“It’s all a bit crap really. Even the old geezer in C wing is starting to look pretty damn tasty. Please, somebody, let me shag you.”

BF Battle of Hexthorpe.jpgSkull-crushing runs in Big Ali’s family. His great great grandfather had been an official crusher at the palace of the Tipoo Sultan back in the day before the family immigrated to Britain after the partition. Ali’s 8 year old grandson, Hussain led the victorious defenders in the winning push bike cavalry charge at the Battle of Hexthorpe, forcing the invading Biffers to retreat in terror before the wheels of their tricycles and push bikes fitted with rear war stabilisers.

Where romance is concerned Big Ali’s standards seem to have dropped a bit. His latest flame, Paulie only arrived recently on the wing but the couple hit it off immediately.

ebf-prison“There’s been something missing in my life for the longest time. It’s like a big, gaping hole and Ali filled it” Paulie confided.

“Oh, I filled it, alright.” Big Ali’s eyes twinkled with the nearly indescribable joy of a lag with a green and ever so willing fag, a compliant new bitch to scratch his seven year itch.

“Big Ali’s changed my life.” Paulie admits. “I used to hate Poles but since I met Crusher’s I’ve changed my mind completely”.

As it happens Big Ali isn’t Polish at all. We’ve no idea what Paul meant by that comment.

But it’s not all smooth riding. The couple have turbulent times ahead. Paulie’s only a temporary visitor to the cell block while Big Ali plans to stay where he is for a good while yet. That’s what you get for crushing skulls with your bare hands.

“We’ll miss each other, of course” Says Crusher “but the course of true love never did run smooth.”

We asked Paulie how he felt about their impending seperation.

“Hmmshhpfpfgulp” He said , his face buried in an already remarkably well-chèwed prison issue pillow.

“we haven’t been seperated yet.” Ali butted in.

Our reporter could only agree.

A view from a barstool #43 by Landlord

christmas-beerI have to admit that I was finding it pretty difficult to work out what to write this week, I mean just how much regurgitated shit can you manage to read or hear before getting writers block, until the Christmas present that was the incarceration of Der Fuhrer, so here it is, my take on the best and funniest news we at EBF have had all year.

Goldibollocks, you see, like the rest of his High Command think they are above the law, that when they are arrested, interviewed or confronted by the police that this is a plot by the establishment to silence them and the twelvty million supporters they purport to have. Well Goldibollocks, well Screechy, well shittroopers I have news for you, it’s not. The reason you are harassed, arrested,bailed or confronted is because it’s against the law.

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Now it’s hard not to laugh at them, I know believe me, but trying to be serious for just one paragraph this is a quick résumé of what Goldibollocks did to get banged up. Earlier this year, to great fanfare and video on their page Goldibollocks, Screechy and the shittroopers visited Bury Park in Luton for a Christian patrol. Screechy went batshit crazy and verbally assaulted a young Muslim woman whilst bravely surrounded by the shittroopers and quite rightly Bedfordshire police got miffed about it. Screechy and Goldibollocks were bailed with certain stringent conditions. One of which was not to go into a mosque in the British isles without written permission. When it was time to come to court he played a blinder pled guilty and got a criminal record, Screechy was also hauled up and also got convicted of her part in the Bury Park fiasco. One thing remained though……..no more mosque invasions.

bf-ebf-fransen-golding-luton-courtWhilst Screechy was out of the picture Goldibollocks and some pretty unsavoury activists went to Cardiff and entered a mosque without prior written consent, Goldibollocks says he didn’t go in but he was definitely the unhinged mastermind behind it. Thinking they had got away with it how they laughed. However behind the scenes the authorities decided that bending over and being fisted by the biffers on a weekly basis was pissing them off and hatched a cunning plan. Fast forward to Screechy’s trial and the announcement that Goldibollocks was to be charged for contempt of court. After much hissing and screaming at the establishment Goldibollocks relinquished control of Bifferdom to spend more time with his family. The more cynical amongst us knew this was a blinding legal move on his behalf as he could say he no longer had control.

On Thursday he went to court played a blinder, pled guilty and expected a slap on the wrist. Naughty boy Paul but as we’re so frightened of your online masses and your plethora of MPS, MEPs and councillors we’ll let you out just don’t do it again, was what he, his legal team and the biffer High command thought would happen. By all accounts his bottom lip trembled as he was told you’re going down for eight weeks, 4 suspended. You see Screechy, Goldibollocks and the rest of your tacky insignificant crew people get fucked off with being constantly disobeyed and you went too far.

Now we could go over the top and take the piss more, we could ask that he’s banged up with Muslims, or someone who calls him Pauline, but the others have too much class for that. Instead I’d like him to spend the 4 weeks in solitude, snivelling like the cowardly fuck he is. He won’t have his shittroopers there, no one to hold his hand if someone says something nasty to him.

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I hope prison will break him, make him scared shitless, I hope that he’ll come out chastened by the experience, but I doubt it. In fact if you read comments from biffer towers you’ll see the twats are out and Screechy wants money to appeal. Appeal, fuck off you conning bunch of fucking arseholes. He pled guilty end of.
One of the comments I loved was,

“I bet if it was a Muslim he’d be free.”

To which one of our regulars wrote

“Hmmm, like Choudary.”

So what next for the biffers? Well Screechy will continue with her soapbox, spouting all sorts of absolute garbage, Stevie will continue his one man assault on Gregg’s, the shittroopers will continue to look as menacing as my little ponies and in 4 weeks time a fucked up Goldibollocks will emerge to the waiting throng of twelvty million press and sign a multi million pound deal with Brietbart to screen his life story. In all honesty, we just don’t know. One thing we are sure about is that this will lead to some more conning, a huge amount of racist and religious bigotry and Screechy screeching.

One more thing you can be sure of, once the offices collective hangover goes we’ll be there to fuck them up, we’ll be there to highlight their lies, we’ll be there to highlight their bigotry, we’ll be there to counter their get togethers and we’ll be there to highlight their cons.

But for this weekend I’m getting pissed, and staying pissed. Maybe, just maybe this will curtail their activities and that is something to raise a glass of Babysham to over the Xmas break. Now if you’ll forgive me I’ve got an unopened bottle of expensive Valpollicello to uncork and toast His Honour Judge Moloney for having the bollocks to stand up to the bully.

Toodlepip

Golding’s going down!

bf-paul-golding-prison-1We’ve waited a long time for this news. Sometimes we thought it would never happen. The big celebratory packet of chocolate Hobnobs has sat gathering dust on the EBF office shelf for far too many months, neglected and ignored. Only Kit would occasionally take it down from its place by the Facebook admin rota and stare deep into its plastic wrapping as though willing the chocolate out from between the oaty goodness within.  With the iron determination of a Biffer waiting doggedly for evidence she steeled herself for a long delay before the celebrations could begin. But now she waits no longer.

Today in the High court Paul Golding finally got his cummupance. He’s gone down for 8 weeks. Admittedly it’s not long and he’ll no doubt be out in four but that’s still a fair amount of time for someone who’s never been in prison before. It’s a Hell of a long time for Golding to be without his minders. Not exactly known for his courage Der Fuhrer never goes anywhere without his bodyguards.

He’s hated by the left for being a Nazi. He’s hated by the right for being a scam merchant. He’s hated by Muslims for stirring up trouble. He’s hated by the authorities for his contempt of the law. And he’s all alone without his bouncers. Good luck in there Paulie!

What’s the reason for his awful Christmas and New Year incarceration, I hear you ask? Well – according to Deputy Fuhrer (sorry – acting Fuhrer) Fransen…

Britain First leader Paul Golding has been sent to PRISON for confronting a hate preacher who said it is okay for Muslims to keep sex slaves!

But that’s not strictly true. Actually it’s because he breached a High court injunction forbidding him from entering or encouraging/allowing others to enter any Mosque in England & Wales without prior written invitation. Fransen does eventually admit this but not before attempting to rustle up as much outrage from the sheeple as she could…

Today, at the High Court in London, a judge decreed that this breached the Luton police injunction forced on us a few months ago

It’s also not true that the Imam in question said it’s permissible to keep sex slaves. In fact he was discussing passages from the Quran and placing them in proper context. His conclusion was that it’s actually NOT permissible. The whole Mosque invasion wasn’t just illegal, it was based upon an obvious lie. Golding and his Biffers were well aware of the truth before they set out to Wales that day but as ever for the Biffers – why let the truth get in the way of a good publicity stunt?

Fransen’s rant goes on to complain that Paulie’s poor little life is in danger because of corrupt left wing judges and vicious Muslim gangs running the prisons. You know – the same Muslims who according to Britain First never get convicted of anything, ever because of our corrupt judicial system. We have to wonder what these imaginary Muslim gangs might be doing in British prisons if, as the Biffers never tire of telling us, they never get convicted of anything but that’s for another time.

We do think Goldie might be at risk, but not from Muslim gangs. We think he’s far more likely to be hurt by the genuinely violent underbelly of British culture – middle-aged, white, far-right racists who resent the fact that Golding’s constant begging for money and pointless posturing has starved them of funding. There are plenty of disgruntled EDL in the nick who’d just love to take a pop at Goldibollocks.

Whether he gets hurt or not is a moot point though. The fact is he’ll be shaken by the experience. A tin-pot fascist without his protection is a snivelling little nobody. This sentence sets a precedent that has been a long time coming. The next breach is likely to attract even bigger sentences, even more jail time and it’s hard to imagine that little Paulie will be up for doing any more ‘bird’ in the foreseeable future. Fransen seems to us to be much more courageous (after her infamous loss of confidence in Burton) and we’d expect her to be the next Biffer to go down. Or maybe Lomax for benefit fraud. We’ll have to wait and see about that one.

Either way the writing is finally on the wall for Britain First. They may not know it yet (although we think they do) but we can expect stiffer and stiffer penalties from the establishment from now on.

So with that in mind…

Come on Kit – open those Hobnobs!

EBF has a new blog writer

I’m ‘Fluffy’ and I’ll be joining the rest of the blogging team from now on. I hope you like what I have to say.

fluffy-logoI’m not one for pulling my punches – at least not in writing. I don’t mean throwing actual punches. That’s for scumbags like the Biffers who’ve no other way to get their point across. Actual debate’s beyond them so they intimidate and threaten people instead. When people who really aren’t clever enough for politics try to become a ‘legitimate political party’ they get hostile and make arses of themselves. And there’s no bigger arse than Golding.

So expect me to be a bit arsey back. I can’t help it – it’s in my blood.

I’ve been reading through all the previous blog entries here and I have to say it’s really made an impression. I knew Britain First was a bunch of wankers before but I didn’t know just how bad they were until this weekend. These people really are nasty – with a capital NASTY. If you haven’t already had a good look around the blog make a point of it. Especially look at the PDF downloads. They really do ‘Expose Britain First’.

I’m not going to get into the PDF writing thing myself. It looks like it’d take up a lot more time than I’ve got to play with. I’m planning on doing a sort of commentary on the Bifferati’s antics as stuff comes up. Like Grasser-Golding’s whiney video about Jayda’s court case. That might be my first proper blog. When I saw that I just laughed. He’s like a whiney-arsed kid who can’t handle not getting his own way. Come to think of it that pretty much sums up Britain First anyway. They’re mostly just childish little shits who can’t handle the fact that the rest of us don’t mind brown people.

Golding’s problem is he’s still a child. Fransen’s problem is she chose the wrong movement to back. She could have joined a different movement or cause and done such a lot better for herself. She’s the sort of hard-faced cow who’d rise to the top in loads of different groups. But instead of making a killing starting a fluffy-kitten appreciation club with lots of pictures of me and my furry little friends (imagine the Facebook likes that would attract) she joined the fascists instead. So now she’s bitter and a bit disappointed that she didn’t choose more wisely. Oh well. Never mind Jayda, lass. You’ve made your bed. Now you’ll just have to lie in it. Be careful though – Golding has a medical condition. You might want to look it up. It’s called nocturnal enuresis.

As for all the other Biffer glitterati, they’re hardly worth mentioning (but I will). There’s Lewis the middle-aged loser who sees the Biffers as his last chance to make something of himself. He’s right… it is… and he won’t.

Then there’s Lomax the military ‘expert’ who thinks pot noodles will be ok for field exercises in Wales. What a joke he is! He’ll be next for the political uniform charge, I should think. The arrogant little turd just won’t be able to help himself but wear his black ‘security’ hoodie with its ‘chief of staff’ badge sewn on like a cub scout’s jumper. I’ll have to watch him. He’s going to be too funny to ignore.

Lee Cooper’s keeping his head down. He might be waiting for further instructions from Jimbo about who to talk to next. He seems to be a bit of a go-between fencing deals between the money men and the street thugs. Guess which camp the Biffers fall into. I’ll give you a hint – they’ve no money.

There’s so many names to get familiar with. So many far right fools to take the piss out of. I hardly know where to start.

Most of the senior women have gone – defected to other fash groups before the Britain First legacy destroys them as well. So have most of the regular supporters of both sexes. Every event they hold gets less and less people attending. Even their supportive Facebook comments are nearly all from overseas. There aren’t many Brits left who haven’t seen through them. Even the genuine fash know that the Biffers are only about making themselves rich. That’s why they’ve all gone off to join other far right nationalist groups instead of giving all their spare cash to fund Golding’s and Fransen’s champagne lifestyle.

So I think I came in a bit too late myself. I’d have loved to be writing about the Biffers when they actually looked like they could’ve been something big. Reading back over the blog’s previous posts that looks like it might have been fun. But as Johnny-come-lately I’ll just have to put up with deriding them as they collapse. That’ll be fun too in its own way.

So look out for the moniker: Fluffy. You’ll be hearing more from me in the future.

 

It ain’t over just yet!

It’s been an excruciatingly long couple of days waiting to hear if Fransen would be sent down or not. To quote the ‘persecuted paytryoot’ herself… it’s been very ‘intense’. But now, finally the long wait has come to an end and we have both verdict and sentence.

bf-luton-magistrates-court-fransen-frightened-golding-smugJayda Fransen, Deputy leader of Britain First, neoNazi,  liar, bully, has been convicted on two counts. She was found guilty of wearing political uniform, a charge that both Fransen and Golding are trying to ridicule even though Der Fuhrer recently pleaded guilty to the same offence, thus making it almost impossible for Fransen to be acquitted today. Secondly she’s guilty of religiously aggravated harassment. The British judicial system has acknowledged what we already knew… Jayda Fransen is a vicious bully with nothing but contempt both for the law and for her fellow citizens.

As every reader of this blog will know, I’d have much preferred Fransen to have been sent to prison for her offences but that wasn’t to be. Instead she received a fine, costs and victim surcharge amounting to a total of £1,910 and a restraining order preventing her from harassing the victim for 2 years. Let’s look at these penalties in a little more detail.

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The court may have imposeded a fine, costs and victim surcharge but Fransen’s already raised more than enough fashcash from the Biffers to cover her Uncle Jimbo’s investment.

£1,900 is small potatoes to Fransen. She’s already raised more than that to pay her barrister.  So there’s no harm done there then, Jayda. Your gullible sheeple have already paid your fine for you. Not only that, you’ve enough left over for another jolly to Hungary to help Uncle Jim stir up the neoNazi thugs over there.

When Britain first put out their inevitable appeal for help with Jayda’s fine and costs please bear that in mind. They already have pocketed more than they need in their ‘legal defence’ appeal (unless the good Mr. Guest turned out to be much more expensive than might reasonably be anticipated). Jimbo must be laughing all the way to the bank. His little legal speculation has paid off handsomely with absolutely no financial risk to himself at all.

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Is this video in breach of Fransen’s injunction? We think so.

The 2 year injunction is interesting too. Or rather Fransen and Golding’s response to it is. On the very afternoon that the injunction was put in place the despicable duo made and uploaded a video singling out and verbally abusing both the District Judge and the victim. The first set of comments might reasonably be seen as contempt. The second appear to be a blatant and deliberate breach of the injunction almost before the ink is wet on Fransen’s acquiescing signature. We’re sure that Luton police will want to have a word with the court about that.

In summary then…

Two out of three convictions isn’t bad,

Prison time would have been more to our tastes but those are the breaks,

A freshly broken injunction might well mean that this saga is far from complete.

And, of course – we still have Golding’s return to the High Court for breach of his injunction to look forward to. It looks like the coming season of goodwill might be a bit more festive for team EBF than we’d anticipated.

Ho ho ho!

Fransen on trial – And Golding for dessert!

Yesterday morning Jayda Fransen and Paul Golding posed for the obligatory Biffergraph outside Luton Magistrates’ Court. The occasion was day 1 of Fransen’s trial on three separate charges, all of which seem ‘open and shut’ conviction material to us. But then we haven’t seen all the evidence or heard all the arguments. It was interesting to note the different expressions on the pair’s faces though. Fransen looked nervous, as though she knows she’s fighting a hopeless case and is likely soon to be viewing the world from the prison windows. Golding on the other hand looked smug.  He too knows that Jayda will most probably be ‘going away’ for a while and it’s easy to imagine him planning to rebuild his power base without his more popular rival. One might even think he’d planned just this sort of coup from the start when he first began encouraging his deputy to do all the things he was too scared to do himself. It’s hardly surprising he looked smug.

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Golding seems smug but Fransen’s face shows only fear

After the Biffergraph all went quiet. The case had been slated to begin at 10am and not a peep was heard from inside the court. The few public seats were taken up either by the press or by Biffer ‘security’ whose tight-lipped stares and grim demeanour made it very clear to all other members of the public that they wouldn’t be welcome inside the court for the duration. Team EBF, deprived of eyewitness contact inside the court itself only had to wait until lunchtime though, safe in the knowledge that Dutchy and Der Fuhrer wouldn’t be able to help themselves and another Biffermovie would soon be online. We guessed right!

It’s difficult to feel the outrage Golding is trying to convey when you’re fighting back tears of laughter in order to keep on listening as the sad story unfolded. Suddenly Golding wasn’t quite so smug any more. He thought he’d gone for a 2 day jolly in Luton to watch the court take Fransen out of his hair. Perhaps he’d expected to look up old BNP buddies like Tommy Robinson while he was in the area. Two days of beer, Biffergraphs and best of all – a bloodless coup that would remove his greatest threat from play long enough for him to bury her memory and destroy her credibility within the movement. If only, if only, if only that had been true.

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Fuhrer Golding – not so smug-looking, now!

Instead Mr. Smugface got something else entirely.  Two uniformed police officers from the Luton and Bedfordshire constabulary presented him with a legal pack and a summons. It seems that he also has to answer for breaking his High Court Injunction. We can’t say we’re surprised. The Biffers have been flouting the terms of their voluntary injunction almost since the day they signed it. So Paul will be in court himself before too long. Not here in Luton though. This is the High Court where he (and possibly Jayda too) will answer charges of contempt, a crime which as Golding rightly points out is a serious, imprisonable offence. It’s not the most promising start to your bid to regain control of the Biffers, is it Paul?

Of course we really don’t know for sure what’s in the folder Golding was presented with. We don’t even know for sure that it came from the police. The Biffers have lied about important developments before, after all. But if it is true… if Golding really is to stand trial too… there’s the distinct possibility that both he and Fransen will be banged up at the same time. That’s like cutting the head off a chicken and watching it run around until it runs out of energy and falls over. With no adequate candidate to replace them the Britain First chicken probably won’t run around for long before it dies altogether.

So come on Magistrates… come on Judges… Between you, you can see these feckless fascists off for good. Please make it so… we’ll be your best friends if you do!

View from a barstool #36 by Landlord

Beer 2Another week of looking at the biffer page, another week of thinking I’m in a time warp. Watching the latest videos they’ve posted, well I say watching, I don’t watch them I just read the résumé that the other admins write I really believe that whoever is in charge of the asylum has barricaded themselves in Biffer Towers and changed the passwords to the account.

The recent trip to Oldham which,according to the high command, is a no go zone for white Christians passed off quietly apart from squealing bagpipes and,it appears, total disinterest by shoppers. A video was posted of Goldibollocks using a microphone to talk to a couple few so called islamists or peaceful shopping Muslims as I like to call them. Could it be people who are anti biffer or even pro biffer cannot be arsed anymore and treat the cockwombles with indifference. Once again the same twatwafflers were there, Goldibollocks’ shit troopers and a couple of activists that we have all seen before. So much for their “we have faaasands of new activists signing up.”

The latest begging email was an absolute hoot. Please can you “chip in” to enable us to pay to replace a camera after one of our activists had our usual one broken in a deadly attack by a radical islamist outside the East London Mosque, you know the one, a kick aimed at the retreating, rampaging biffers fleeing because they decided to be cuntish trying to stop prayers…..and the kicker, despite being caught on camera has never been caught (our moley even intimated that it was one of their own missing a Muslim). Anyway I digress, this camera according to the high command is £995. Surely they can’t think their sheep are that stupid and would check, but no, we did it for them, and it only costs half of what they asked. In fact, since I have been an admin for just over a year I have done a quick add up and apart from election funds, they have asked for just shy of quarter of a million quid. I would ask you all if you had any ideas where the money has gone but I can guess the response.

Finally, now we have replenished our hobnob stocks, I wonder what ideas you all have about the location of the next day of inaction. Answers will probably not be rewarded with Hobnobs but treated for the comedy value they normally are.

So that’s it, week over and I’m hoping that when I look at my calendar it will show I’m still in 2016 and not in the early noughties

Toodlepip