Today David Cameron gave a speech. It wasn’t just any old speech. It was a speech intended to jump on the Islamophobic bandwagon (not that he’s ever really been ‘off the wagon’).
When Team EBF read about it we despaired. This speech is just another blatant attempt to pander to the petty xenophobia and Islamophobia that pervades British society. What could he be playing at?
We’re sure that other people will have wondered the same thing. So we thought we’d try to identify the rules of this divisive game.
The rules of the game (Divide and rule)
The game involves two teams
Team 1 is called ‘us’
Team 2 is called ‘them’
Team 1 players (us) are allowed to know the rules
Team 2 players (them) are not allowed to know the rules (it’s a rule)
Whatever the score Team 1 (us) always wins
Most players start the game in team 2 (them)
Team 1 (us) has to win the game by keeping all the other players trapped within team 2 (them)
Team 2 players (them) have to try to get into team 1 (us). This is extremely hard to do
Team 1 (us) wins by making team 2 players (them) think they’re part of team 1 (us) when really they’re still just another bunch of team 2 players (them). This is extremely easy to do
Team 2 (them) players pretend to win by creating other groups of ‘them’ (sometimes referred to as teams 3,4,5 etc) ad infinitum
Team 1 (us) strategies include…
Telling some team 2 (them) players that they’re actually team 1 (us) players, even though they’re not. This makes team 2 (them) waste a lot of time and energy fighting amongst themselves (teams 3,4,5 etc) whilst team 1 goes on to score
Team 1 players (us) sometimes pretend not to support each other, although really they (we) do. This is called ‘statesmanship’
Sometimes team 1 players (us) pretend to support some but not all team 2 players (them). This is called ‘politics’
Team 2 (them) only succeed by working together to defeat team 1 (us). In the event that this appears possible team 1 players (us) must invent further subdivisions within team 2 (them). It’s a rule.
Subdivisions created by team 1 (us) may include ‘the poor’, ‘the indolent’, ‘the immoral’, ‘people from the wrong religion’, ‘people with the wrong skin colour’, ‘people who think it’s OK to tell team 2 (them) what the rules of the game are’ (the people in this last subdivision are usually known as ‘lefties’)
Team 1 (us) scores when their (our) players make lots of money at the expense of team 2 players (them)
Team 2 (them) players are never allowed to score (it’s a rule).
Any success in scoring any point by team 2 (them) will always constitute cheating and the umpire must return the advantage to team 1 (us) in all such situations
Umpires are ALWAYS team 1 players (us)
In the event that any player from team 2 (them) looks like they’re about to score any team 1 (us) player can appeal. In this event the umpire (us) must always declare a ‘foul’ and return the advantage to team 1 (us). That’s a rule too
Sometimes Team 1 players (us) pretend to let team 2 players (them) score but only when ensuring that team 2 players score an own goal at the same time (this strategy is typically known as ‘we’re all in it together’)
The game ends in a team 1 (us) victory when team 2 players (them) destroy each other completely
Unfortunately destruction of team 2 (them) would mean no more opportunities for team 1 (us) to score
So the object of the game for team 1 (us) is to keep team 2 (them) fighting each other but without letting them destroy themselves entirely
The game ends when…. well actually the game never ends.
The rules are defined by team 1 (us) & can be changed retrospectively by any umpire (us) if any team 2 players (them) seem close to actually joining team 1 (us) or scoring in any other way not explicitly described within these rules.
Team 1 is ‘us’. ‘Us’ always wins. Team 2 is ‘them’. ‘Them’ always loses. It might sometimes look possible for them to become us but we will never allow that. The game depends upon there being lots of them for us to score from. So the rules are made by us to keep them trying to stop being them and to become us. That encourages them to follow the rules set by us. Different parts of us pretend to like different parts of them to maintain them in different groups, each striving to become us. The rules demand that different parts of us keep shifting our allegiances between different parts of them to keep them from scoring (which is always against the rules set down by us unless accompanied by them also scoring at least an equal number of ‘own goals’). The umpire’s decision is always final. The umpire is always us.
Simple, isn’t it?