Britain First: A grown up political party?

In the wake of unprecedented numbers of attacks on ethnic minorities, their persons and their property, representatives of all the major political parties have issued statements of condemnation. Even UKIP, small though the party is has joined the chorus of voices expressing shock and horror as the violence against British minorities escalates. This is the grown up thing to do.

Don’t waste your time waiting for BF to make any similar statements though. That’s not what they’re about at all. Having spent 5 years inciting racial and religious hatred they’re hardly likely to condemn it now. Instead the Biffers’ reaction to these appalling events was to publish this.

BF Islam lives freedom dies memeOn Tuesday the news broke about a petrol bomb attack on a halal butcher in Walsall. It’s important not to misunderstand this attack. The homemade bomb was not just thrown into the premises – it was thrown directly at the butcher himself. Fortunately it bounced off him before smashing on the floor, causing extensive fire damage to the building. Had it smashed against the man it was deliberately thrown at he would have been covered in accelerant and burned alive.

Walsall halal butcher arson petrol bomb brexit

This was attempted murder. Once again the British far right inflicts serious violence on an innocent citizen going about his normal, lawful business.

If ever there was a time for us all to cry “Not in my name”, that time is now!

Not in my name!

Not in our name!

Not in the name of this wonderful country!

Not in the name of human decency!

Not in the name of anything worth having.

Britain First must take some responsibility for inciting the wave of hate crime currently terrorising many British citizens. They deliberately and cynically misled their followers, whipping them up into murderous rage by falsely promising them that all their fears would be assuaged by a vote to leave Europe. It’s no surprise that the sense of frustration those ‘footsoldiers’ now feel is being directed at the people whom Paul and Jayda have been scapegoating for half a decade.

We call upon Britain First to join the proper political parties of UK in condemning these outrageous attacks on innocent citizens…

We’re waiting…

 

A view from a barstool 26 by Landlord

Beer 2A week of mirth and watching the Biffers implode into themselves. Screechy and Goldibollocks have become more deranged and desperate each day as they delete memes about the victor in the Mayoral election to…

  1. a) make themselves look less like cry babies and
  2. b) as moley intimated, to stave off any possible litigation against them.

This week, with the warm weather I held an impromptu BBQ/housewarming party. Nazeer from next door and his wife and his kids came over, so to did  Purav, a Sikh from just down the road, a couple of bald headed, tattooed Englishmen and my mate with Jamaican roots. I managed to purloin some stock (well a lovely barrel of Champion Gold and ‘some Babycham for the Laydees’). You know what, we had a lovely time, brilliant conversation, great food, Halal of course prepared by Naz’s wife…I was making a pigs ear of it so she took over, well in fact told me to “bugger off, you’re useless just like my husband” (so much for the subservient sex in Islam).

The Landlady unfortunately found my expensive wine collection, £7 a pop instead of the £3.99, and everyone drifted home happy, no arguments, no conversion, and apart from a stinging hangover I still had my head. New friends for life. The main thing we agreed with was the joke that is Britain First and the EDL. Although I think at least one of them reads EBF and may have worked out my alter ego.(They will do now).

Now with the election done and dusted the new mayor is now in. What is next for the Biffers? Well they have started a recruitment campaign. For just £2 a month you to could join the ranks of the twats! A free newspaper and a membership card are both thrown in. Whoopee! Here’s my bank details Goldibollocks.

Our favourite biffer, he who loves Greggs, sent out a tearful battlecry to the other spunktrumpets of the far right to come together and fight the rising tide of Islam. Sorry Mr L, the EDL, Casuals, Infidels, NF, National Action and Pie and Mash hate you as much as they hate each other. The chances of any of you uniting really is very, very slim. Even if you did, what would you get on the ground for marches? 200 tops!

Two different marches last week showed just how much the far right is supported. 20 in Portsmouth and 24 in Burton for “massive” days of action proves they really just have a social media presence and not enough on the street to fill a coach!

What’s next for the biffers? Some more mosque invasions, Halal slaughterhouse invasions, cowardly attacks on people on bail. This now “mainstream political party” will probably find something to do and we will be there, with your support to debunk, harass, shout shouty things at their demo’s and report posts to various bodies (although facebook is a bit of a longshot).

Now you’ll have to excuse me, Naz and Purav have invited me to another evening out, I might get out of it alive or at least with another hangover.

Landlord

The Mayoral debate (innit?) by Landlord

Picture the scene, Goldibollocks marching into a (real) TV studio, with his henchmen to meet Screechy’s bestie Nick Robinson. The prospective mayoral candidates are all being granted a 20 minute interview and Der Fuhrer and his shittroopers are on their way for their turn. In front of a TV audience of several Goldibollocks, looking like the thug statesman he wants to be is getting made up ready for his chance to shine.

The announcer. Welcome to all of you tuning into this q&a between Nick Robinson and Mr Goldibollocks of the biffer party, keeping Britain British and all that innit. Lady and Gentleman please welcome Mr Robinson and Mr Goldibollocks.

(cue Benny Hill music)

 EBF BF Nick Robinson Paul Golding mayoral debate landlord.jpg

  1. NR. Good afternoon Mr Goldibollocks
  2. That’s just what I expect from you lefty journalists calling everyfink afternoon. In Britain it’s now evening, it’s already a muzzie conspiracy, I thought screechy told you that down in Rochester.
  3. Well in my defence I didn’t know who she was.
  4. See another conspiracy from the biased lefty media against our legitimate political party. She’s the darling of Britain and I didn’t move in with her just to be able to get on the ballot paper, oh no, that’s down to those bastards at EBF that is, those people will hang when we take over power HAHAHAHAHA.
  5. You can’t go around hanging anyone who disagrees with…..
  6. (shouting to Lomax) Commander in Chief take his name for the hanging list
  7. Can I start the interview now Mr Goldibollocks
  8. So you have applied to be Mayor of London and your family and deputy are up for the London Assembly. Can I start by asking why?

PG Well we was having a beer down the Old Dog and Duck and that Mooselimb Sid Khan was on the tv giving it all that. Then I was having a Cuzzer with Screechy and the high command I almost spat my Korma out when they said anyone could be Mayor. I told my muckers to find out all about it, get it funded by our twelvty million gullible supporters, and Jims my Uncle here I am.

  1. But that’s not a real reason?
  2. You’re already trying my patience, you appeaser. I want to take my party into oblivion obviously.
  3. We had a look at your accounts and there seems to be more holes in there than substance, if you can’t manage your own accounts how can London trust you with a budget of Billions?
  4. Well Stevie is no good a keeping banners but seems to be able to do our accounts. We use the Barings bank method and hide our heads in the sand. If anyone questions us we have our back up plan…ban the burka, no more mosques, no more halal.
  5. But there is a budget of 16billion last year how will this be distributed?
  6. Ban the Burka, no more Halal, No more mosques.
  7. What is the total amount you, as an individual, earned from Britain First including salary and expenses?
  8. Well I had a good year last time out. The gullible fools on our Facebook Page provided all that the high command required to live on. I mean look at Screechy’s tits they ain’t cheap. And hiring a pool hall for an evening that ain’t a couple of quid.
  9. You call them gullible fools aren’t they going to see through you now.
  10. Most of them are bought likes, the others are mostly from the US who think they can vote!! The money keeps rolling in it’s great!!

(A loud wail is heard as Screechy shouts)

Screechy. Goldi!!! Shut the fuck up for God’s sake!

  1. EBF BF Golding's MummyGiven that except for Jayda every BF candidate this May is either a relative or neighbour of your mother – this is just ‘jobs for the boys’ style nepotism isn’t it?
  2. Have you seen the rules for the election, must have been drawn up by some lefty muslim. I mean how can I get my high command in when they don’t live in London. My Ma and family are fully behind me and if I knew what nepotism meant I’ll hang you.
  3. If indeed Britain First is a Christian organisation, why does almost every Christian branch reject Britain First, and why does Britain First speak ill of certain Archbishops, when they have gone against Britain First?
  4. No one is more Christian than us, No One I tell you, have you seen our triumphant marches with our crosses. The other branched of Christianity are nothing but libtards and unwashed lefty muslim appeasers who will be hung so High Priestess Screechy can take her rightful place on the throne.
  5. Why does Britain First not talk out against white, English (and often Christian) criminals (including terrorists), when they expect Muslims to denounce Muslim criminals (including terrorists) every 30 minutes?
  6. Because white christians never ever break the law. In fact when I am leader of the universe all white christian crime will be wiped from the record books, as long as you hold a cross or a bible you will have done nothing wrong. And if you wear fleeces with our emblem you get to stone a muzzie.
  7. Why does Britain First continue knowingly to flout the law, and then get annoyed when they have been caught?
  8. Ban the burka, no more mosques and Ban Halal.
  9. If IS are deemed to be true Muslims by BF, due to following the Qur’an very literally, does this mean that BF are not true Christians as Jayda should not be speaking according to very literal text ?
  10. Not in our Bible…the Biffer cherry picked verses bible.
  11. There is criticism that you have tried to say that only Muslim men are capable of grooming and sexual offences against minors yet one of your own is on the sex offenders register. What do you say to those who raise this issue?
  12. Well Nick you lefty, ban the burka, ban Halal and stop building mosques.
  13. This is going well. How about this question. how will you maintain the status quo in the capital with its diverse multi culturalism?
  14. Status Quo! I liked ‘Whatever you want’.Status Quo whatever you want.jpg
  15. The question still stands
  16. Well seeing as I’m building a wall just inside the M25 to stop anyone slightly multi-cultural or foreign-looking getting in… London for the British. Ban Halal, Ban the burka and stop building mosques.
  17. So that’s the sum total of the Biffer manifesto then, Ban the Burka, Ban Halal and close all mosques.
  18. Not at all. We stand for more pies for Stevie, free tit jobs for all Biffer high command, new banners, Freedom of the City for Uncle Jim. Loads really.
  19. You are having rallies outside the capital. As people not in the capital can’t vote isn’t this a little silly?
  20. This is where you lefty media types are wrong. All our millions of followers can vote for us, postal vote forms are being posted to America, Coventry is a well known area of London and we will not be stopped. It’s all lefty Muslim appeasers that have stopped non Londoners from voting and we will not stand for it.

EBF BF Banner antifa

  1. What happens if you don’t win and all this has been a tremendous waste of money?
  2. Uncle Jim has already told us we will win and he’s never wrong. I mean we have Knights and shit behind us. And if we don’t it will be because the vote has been rigged by the establishment to keep us out.
  3. So to sum up your attempt at seizing control of the capital, you will ban the burka, ban Halal, tear down the mosques, kick out anyone non-white, rape the banks, put banners up, buy more pies, make a hate preacher ‘Freeman of the city’, hang lefty’s and screw this great capital into the ground.
  4. About right, but I’d also make the admins and followers of Exposing Britain First watch our compendium of videos of Screechy until they repent.
  5. Well I’d like to thank you for this interview. Like to, but I can’t, you useless bunch of spunktrumpets.

Locke the ‘expert’ shows his ignorance again

EDL Imbibing brotherhood brethren Bibo ergo sum in vino veritasPaul Locke, the up and coming would-be leader of the Imbibing brotherhood claims in speeches and through his social media ranting to be something of an expert on Islam. He regularly announces to all who will listen that he has read authoritative Muslim sources on the Quran and Sharia and is well placed to interpret and understand the anti-Western, anti-Democratic ‘evils’ of Islam. Or so he says. We think he’s just lying.

We don’t believe he’s read any authoritative texts and the very idea of a drunken EDL member spending time reading anything more complicated than the hate-filled Daily Mail seems unlikely to say the least.

That doesn’t stop him spreading his ignorant, defamatory lies though. Nor does it stop him displaying his uninformed arse on a very regular basis. The stupidity is strong in this one!

Paul Locke money laundering EDL ignorance of Islam

If Locke really was the expert he claims to be he’d know that the issue isn’t money-laundering – it’s usury (the practice of profiting from other peoples’ financial problems by lending money at interest). Muslims are forbidden from taking advantage of others’ misfortunes in this way. They can lend money but they can’t charge interest on those loans. That’s the real reason why they concern themselves with the idea of Halal (permissible) and Haram (forbidden) financial dealings. They want to be sure that their transactions aren’t Haram.

We can’t help wondering why Locke’s first thought was to do with money-laundering. We do know that the EDL’s first leader, Tommy Robinson was convicted of financial fraud and there have been plenty of rumours and allegations about the financial dealings of many other senior Imbibers so maybe it was the first thing that came into his head. Who can say?

What we do know is that no ‘expert’ in Islam would have been so stupid as to think anything sinister when they came across the above passage. If Paul Locke’s an expert in anything it’s spreading slanderous and libellous bullshit about a group that he and his pissed-up cronies know nothing at all about.

Good try Paul – keep it up – you’ll start making sense one day, we’re sure!

“They don’t integrate!”

BF Golding Dewsbury Town Hall steps out of boundsIt’s a favourite retort of the fash and their fellow travellers, and, to be fair, I’d have to admit that there is an element of truth in it.

 

They don’t fit in. More than that, they actively seek to not fit in. They take a great pride in not fitting in, they derive strength from it. Not fitting in confirms their certainty, it burnishes their zeal; it gives them the fanatic’s conviction to denounce all of us non believers as heretics in league with the devil, and the evangelist’s compunction to declare so, loudly and often. They even take themselves off on bizarre little day trips to towns up and down the country, just to not fit in somewhere else for a while. They know how the country should be run, and it is definitely not how it’s being done right now!

Essentially, they are a backward, primitive people, stuck in the past, out of place and out of their depth in the 21st Century. They stand apart from society, regarding it (us) with fear and hatred, chanting their mantra of “Taking Our Country Back!” while waving their crosses and upside down flags. The problem is they want to drag us all back with them. Right back to the 1970s, when the National Front were popular, and racism and light entertainment were interchangeable. A time when (they fondly imagine) a white man could call anyone who wasn’t a white man anything he wanted, and if said not white man objected, a handy policeman would be happy to arrest him and beat him up for the crime of being not white.

BF Dewsbury advance party January 16th 2016 Jayda Fransen and thugsWhen they rail against “political correctness” (which is most of the time, it seems) what they’re actually bemoaning is the fact that they can’t use the ‘N’ word (or the ‘P’ word or the ‘W’ word or whatever word they think will be the most wounding) without some “traitorous libtard” labelling them with the ‘R’ word. Oh how they don’t like the ‘R’ word. The ‘R’ word seems to affect them in the same way that they think pork products affect Muslims. It is Biffer Kryptonite. You just have to look at how defensive/aggressive they get when the ‘R’ word gets thrown in their direction. “Islam isn’t a race” they’ll bleat. “Its a made up word, and made up by a lefteye to boot” they’ll claim (erroneously – plus ça change). They’ll fluster and they’ll bluster and they’ll get all offended and upset and shouty, bless. They do, however, reserve full rights to use the ‘R’ word to describe anyone who isn’t them, whenever they think they can get away with it.

It’s all a bit one sided, but then just about all they say and do is. Like their stance on freedom of expression, which can be summarised simply as “we say what we like and you can fuck off if you don’t agree”. It’s the fash equivalent of a toddler screaming obscenities in public, then doing the “blah blah blah” thing with their fingers in their ears when they get told off by the grown ups. That’s Britain First, the “Political Party” with 1.2 million likes on Facebook, but only about ten dozen on their “Days of Action”. Britain First, the “Political Party” that wants to stand Paul Golding in the London Mayoral Elections, despite his only previous experience in office being as a piss poor borough councillor for the piss poor BNP. He couldn’t even manage to serve his whole term – much to the relief of the constituents of the ward, I’m sure. Britain First, the “Political Party” who long for a civil war, want their opponents hung and anyone “a bit brown” deported.

A serious “Political Party”? Until they can manage to assimilate themselves into civilised society and behave like adults, I wouldn’t trust them with a game of Buckaroo.

View from a barstool #14

Beer 2Evening all.

So the Christmas tree is chopped up and ready for the fire, the decorations are in the loft and the kids are back at school. The festivities are over for another year and the Christmas lies from the biffers are also consigned to the loft only to be regurgitated around October.

So let’s have a rummage through all things Biffer over the last 7 days. Let’s have a little look…..

Aha obviously a nasty credit card bill just arrived as there is a begging email. Unfortunately the mystic landlady got it wrong so I lost my 50p in the office sweepstake. I can’t believe after all this time of not picking £5thaaaasand. I did this time and the little buggers go and pick £1975. Now I’m not sure whether you’ve ever had to engage a solicitor before but they’re bloody expensive and I’m not sure that 2 grand would do a lot. Just a thought Goldibollocks. If you don’t harass ladies in their homes, don’t wear political uniforms and certainly don’t act like a Cockwomble, you won’t get nicked and you won’t have to pay.

An item on their page inferred that a Muslim gang beat up a white man in Baildon this week.

EBF BF Baildon NYE assault slur islam muslim white gang.jpg

The trouble is after reading the paper it appears the assailants were “predominantly white.” There was a predictable outrage over at Biffer central and some of the comments were absolutely vile and disgusting. I understand that the post was passed to West Yorkshire police, and amazingly the post disappeared.

EBF BF West Yorkshire police march Dewsbury re route yawn

Now I’m not into conspiracy theories, (except that Fosters continuously put mind drugs in their barrels), but trying to incite the local population might rather have lead the coppers to re route their shuffle round Dewsbury to a car park and an industrial estate. Another tip for you Goldibollocks, don’t antagonise the cops and they may just not antagonise you. In saying that continue on your shuffle because we here in the EBF group are sponsoring you. If you haven’t seen the page please sponsor us to sponsor them. Funds will go towards helping the victims of the floods (at the time of writing £259 has been pledged).

elp battle floods

Apart from the usual “Muslims are this” and “Muslims are that”, the last thing that caught my eye this week, apart from the landlady’s new hairdo, was the fact they have ditched the conferences (probably because they’ve ran out of places that’ll have them and BT won’t let them have a phonebox) and decided to have a bifferfest instead. Now I’m not sure about you but I haven’t stopped sniggering since, causing the landlady to think I’m having an affair with the barmaid (I’m a grumpy old sod most of the time you see).

EBF BF Bifferfest woodstock nuremberg

This festival in a field near somewhere is free (tenner for a wee??) where you can learn about British fascism, sorry ‘culture’, have discussions on bifferland, sports, and have food and drink there. It’s also camping so Millets might want to stock Union Flag tents (although given their tendencies to fly them upside down on their shuffles, 10 upside down tents in a field would make me titter. Also do they make bullet proof tents for the commanders in chief? I’m also assuming that it will only be non halal food there, would be such a shame if some did infiltrate its way into their diets. Anyway good luck getting your TENs license not easy when a load of publicans and licensees have words with contacts.

Finally, another page that brought great mirth to me and the others was the absolute foamfest over on the Kingsmill Facebook page over Kingsmill’s decision to become halal certified. Now as some of you are great troll hunters (a new badge has just been made) pop over there, leave a message and sit back.

EBF Troll hunter badge

Now I must go, something about a buying a handbag for the landlady as penance for being cheerful.

Cheers

Landlord

View from a barstool #10

Beer 2Hello all, a tired and very hungover Landlord travelled back to his pub from Somerset and decided to call in to Hobnob central or more commonly known as EBF towers. After the obligitary telling off for not bringing any oaty snacks as I only had a packet of twiglets and a couple of opal fruits in the car, I started to have a look through what the biffers have got up to.

After 15 minutes of trawling through the absolute lies and intimidatory bullshit through bleary bloodshot eyes I decided my round up this week wouldn’t be a roundup at all but a run through of the last evening that the Antifa Landords came up with during one of our shandy drinking binges (well one of us was drinking lager top). It decended into farce later on but thats another story. But before our session was over we had thought of a wonderful new reality TV program that one of us will send to channel 5, the working title is bigot first.

We found 6 people hungry for cash and media time found a house in one of those Donald Trump no go areas, or Britain as we like to call it, and left the cameras on. When we could be bothered we’d go back and check a) if they were still alive, b)if they had finished the Halal meat we left for them and c)if any of them had used any of the stock bigot phrases yet.

Day one. The introductions of the 6, Dutchy a feisty,somewhat scary woman,Goldibollocks, a suit wearing shouty man, Dim Jowson a bespectacled elderly gent nicknamed “uncle”, Pieman a rather rotund chap, who appears to say he wants to “take the jaws off people” if he’s not keeping the owners of Greggs in toilet paper, little Tommy R or whatever his name may be, he changes it every week, but another shouty man, and finally someone dressed in chainmail, helmet and tinfoil sword who calls himself Kay Tee I or something like it.

After the introductions the contestants went to their Dorms, one for Dutchy and one for the chaps. “I’m not staying in here it would be like the bloody muzzies segregating men and women” she said, “ah” said Uncle and Kay Tee, “but in our sect women are not equal either.”Goldibollocks was heard to say “no christian rumpy here then”.

As we disappeared down the pub, watching a bunch of bigots is not our cup of tea, we heard the beds scraping and the sound of pieman shouting “I’ll take your fucking jaw off if you don’t move these beds so they are facing North, I’m not sleeping facing Mecca” Tommy laughed.

1800, Jayda is in the kitchen making dinner, Uncle said it was her job Kay Tee agreed whilst Pieman wondered if his 50p off voucher at a well known bakers would still be valid when he got out. “I can’t cook this” the harridan screeched “look it’s got HMA on it, our page said not to it’s fucking halalalalalal.” Pieman said “does that mean all of it is, this water, banana, aaaaaaaaaaah it’s a lefty plot Exposing Britain First have left halal hobnobs in here” Tommy said in his best English “fook it I’ll eat it, just don’t tell Pegida or the EDL or the English Democrats or whoever I’m in charge of this week” and so they didn’t eat.

1845 time for bed, the paytrioots decided that as they can’t eat or drink anything as it’s all halal, all they can do is sleep, the production team decided not to tell them all that oxygen is halal too, that would be too funny…..

Day 2, and our bigots are all awake, so hungry that Kay Tee stood guard over them incase Pieman turned to bigot on toast. The production team (I’ll call them EBF for now) decided to send in Muslim kryptonite, a pack of bacon and a couple of crates of Stella, we want to laugh at them not kill them, we’re sympathisers not extremists after all.

EBF BF Big brother Jayda Fransen diary room

1200, Bacon and Stella consumed, EBF called Goldibollocks into the diary room and offered him the chance to meet dutchy in a snooker hall (well room) while the others decorate the room with security windows, panic alarms and give them all black shirts with bodycams on.

1300,  after an hour of “feeling normal” Dutchy and Golding are back with the group, suddenly a dog appears and starts to bark as Uncle begins a sermon and Tommy tries to write another bargain bucket best seller(on sale at poundland in a month) Kay Tee is kneeling waiting to be Templared, Pieman is running round threatening the dog with taking his fucking jaw out, Goldilocks and Dutchy are doing traditional daisy chains on the lawn.

EBF BF Big brother Golding diary room

1500, EBF have decided that all this is a bit nice so send in the first task. Making a nativity scene using only the finest goods from Harrods..although a couple of EDF took the labels off in case the name started a fight. After building the stables and manger, decorating it with straw they began on the disciples, or sheep as we like to call them.

1530, the Dutchy screech is heard…”get these islamic figures out of my nativity scene. They was English I tell ya, not rag ed’s at all and Joseph and Mary were WHIIIIITE!!!!.” Her eyes were bulging. Tommy said “calm down Dutchy” he said “it’s all a lefty plot, they really are just suntanned, not from the Middle East. It’s the same with St George he’s from Peckham really” Uncle continued to rock back and forth quoting the scriptures, Kay Tee is practicing his sword work with his £59.99 sword bending in the wind, Goldibollocks is on the calculator trying to work out how he and Dutchy an afford a trip to bigot land, or Trump Towers as we like to call it.

1531 it starts to rain.

1800, As the rain continues a flood ensues, Uncle tells all who would listen that it is because of the refugees, “it must be true I read it in our bible” he says and pulls out a copy of the Daily Mail.

1825, EBF call pieman into the diary room. After playing sounds of Gaspode barking, he threatens to “take our fucking jaws off” we hand him a letter from the Landlord of the property, Mr Shah who threatens our gallant bigots with eviction if they don’t pay £87 in rent. EBF also gave them a mobile phone to try and raise the cash.

1835, Uncle and Kay Tee have put out an appeal, with a picture saying ” The Templars on a fact finding mission to Serbia, working for you.” Tommy sent an appeal out to the EDL to storm the place but didn’t hold out too much hope as it was a Friday and Kebab and Stella night. Pieman gave his 50p voucher whilst Dutchy and Goldibollocks send a post out to the gullible along the lines of “Lefty plot to stop your leaders from their democratic rights to stay in a house. We have instructed our legal team to take on this lefty plot but you know how expensive this is, we really don’t want to ask you but if you could chip in to help us keep our freedoms. We need £5000 by morning, please dig deep.”

Day 3, Begging update, Uncle and Kay Tee have raised a grand total of nothing, Tommy had a couple of “I love you mate” an offer of a piss up and a chance to write another book, Pieman had raised 50p but his threats to take off a fucking jaw wouldn’t put him good stead. However Goldibollocks and Jayda had made the amount but told everyone they had made nothing, when EBF looked at the history on the phone, Thompsons Holidays was the last entry.

1200, the tension amongst the crowd waiting outside Bigot House is palpable, several police forces sent reinforcements as Bigot first’s events page showed 7500 coming. Numbers are amazing, at least 139 people were there, the police love the overtime.

1205, the Bigots emerge, victory is theirs, Uncle holds his bible aloft, Kay Tee holds his sword, Tommy has a stupid gring on his face, Pieman, spots a kebab van and falls over trying to get there first. Goldibollocks and Dutchy are asking for money for exclusive interviews, except to the lefty media which is everyone apart from the Fail.

1210 the crowd disperses, EBF come out of the house pissing themselves in laughter.

With apologies to whoever does another program on channel 5.
Landlord