A Landlords apology by Landlord

Porridge Tommy Robinson prisonNope it doesn’t happen very often, in fact almost unheard of, but I am sorry.

I believed the hype, Goldibollocks and Screechy jailed, then I find Tommeh has gone down too, the world has just got better, only Hatie Slopkins for a full house and the ale would flow better than the Gypsy Wedding I have just dealt with(swap Guinness for ale though) I gave up, not fighting bigotry, racism and the like but I gave up, I had a few weeks of being with my kids, talking to my wife and not worrying about the shit that’s flying. I gave up caring about the cunt in the White House or what the cunt in 10 Downing Street is doing to fuck our lives up. In all honesty I became human again, Facebook was just an F on my phone, Twitter was a distant memory, my web history was 18+ viewing and not Islamophobia, my life became a bubble……..I gave up, I’d had enough, could no longer be arsed. But then I was shaken out of it, I’m back (ish). I hate bigotry, racism, bully’s, money grabbing fraudsters and wankstains so I’m not going away.

I hate the way social media has become a mouthpiece for hatred, I hate the way the right wing exploit this, I hate the way that you can block or report those that challenge your views, I hate the way Real Ale costs so much, I hate the way the Jeremy Kylers have taken celebrity to another level.

I play/ed sport to a high level..sportsmen and women are heroes. Not politicians, not right wing media whores but those that represent their country, not wankers who wrap themselves with the flag.

So Tommeh the hero, his fans go wild and Stephen Yaxley Lennon is now more famous than Harry Kane, Joe Root and Anthony Joshua. Or is he………

The gruesome twosome are in this for the cash l, no one can deny this, so who is SYL or syphilis as I like to call him… arrested, charged and jailed he ain’t a KFC bargain bucket. He’s a racist cunt, like Goldibollocks and Screechy but he’s a cleverer racist cunt. His rap sheet is mahoooooosive, from wife beating to mortgage fraud, it’s almost “if you’ve got a crime get me out of here. This is the SYL who has been filmed beating the shit out of fellow race goers, who was on tv as a racist cunt and is now languishing behind bars. Is there any difference between him and our favourite racist cunts……. nope.

Goldibollocks and Screechy are all about money, five faaaasand her for a van, five faaaasand there because our system was hacked, 20 faaaasand for court cases, the rap sheet goes on and on , and Stephen Yaxley Lennon( he hates us using this name)is exactly the same, but cuter

He uses Rebel TV as his mouthpiece, and from moles inside this he was defrauding them, he set up his own platform to con more money out of the sheeple, he is in love with For Britain and Anne Marie Waters, he WAS the leader of the EDL who apart from the NF, BNP and Combat 18 the most racist of Potato groups in this country. And he asks l, just like Screechy and Goldibollocks, for money. SYL, Goldibollocks and Screechy. Two cheeks of the same arse.

So here’s a promise to you here at EBF, I may not buy as many hobnobs, coffee and custard creams as I did, but I ain’t letting the cuntspangles off the hook for a minute.

Toodlepip

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The origins of Britain’s far right movement

Godwin’s law states that the first person to call their opponent a Nazi loses the debate. That’s because the word Nazi (the short-form of the German NSDAP or ‘National Socialist German Workers’ Party)’) is so over-used today. It’s become the go-to insult for those whose intellectual abilities have run dry and they find themselves unable to counter a well-thought out argument. In that sense, Godwin was right – the first person to call their opponent a Nazi has indeed, lost the debate. But what if the person you’re talking about or interacting with really is a Nazi?

edl nazi.jpg

That’s when Godwin’s law starts to come apart. It becomes even more confusing when your verbal sparring partner subscribes to Nazi policies (see groups like Britain First, UKIP and Liberty GB) and yet genuinely believes that they’re not Nazi at all. What if they actually see themselves as ‘anti-Nazi’?

The leadership of the British far-right have been so diligent in redefining themselves that they really have convinced their supporters (and perhaps even themselves) that their policies, although often exactly matching those of Hitler’s Nazi regime in the 1930s and 1940s, are actually anti-Nazi.

Here we chart the descent of Nazism through the generations as we might track the passage of the runners’ baton in an Olympic relay race. Here the track is measured in years, not metres but the principle is the same. The same baton that was touched by the hands of Hitler, Franco and Mussolini now finds itself carried just as reverently by Weston, Griffin, Yaxley-Lennon, Hopkins, Golding, Fransen and Dowson.

Hitler, Mussolini, Franco

It’s no secret that these three mid-twentieth century dictators knew each other. Hitler and Mussolini even fought together against the Allies during World War 2. Before the war both men sent troops, funds and equipment to support Franco’s fascist cause in the Spanish Civil War. They were the three most prominent fascist dictators of the period, matched in ruthlessness only by Stalin in Communist Russia. What isn’t so well known is the way that these dictators interacted with British High society.

Mosley, the British Union of Fascists

Oswald Mosley was the leader of the British Union of Fascists, a party he formed in 1932 immediately after visiting Mussolini in Italy.

mosleyMosley’s followers dressed in black military style uniform, shared Hitler’s hatred of Jews and socialists and even had their own army of street thugs, the infamous ‘Biff Boys’. These violent, black-shirted gangs spent their time terrorizing and assaulting Jews, homosexuals (the word ‘gay’ meant something rather different back then). Socialists and non-whites. Their methods and their targets were exactly the same as those of Ernst Rohm’s brown-shirted SA in pre-war Nazi Germany. There’s a reason for that.

Mosley and the Mitford sisters

Mosely had very real links to the fascists of Europe. As well as Mussolini he also visited Nazi Germany and married his second wife, Diana Mitford in the home of Joseph Goebbels. There were only around half a dozen guests in attendance including Adolf Hitler himself. Mosley’s new sister in law, Unity Mitford was known to be extremely close to Hitler and even got to attend high level strategy meetings with the Fuhrer. Unity killed herself when war was declared, so heartbroken was she at the rift between the two nations.

William Joyce Lord Haw HawDeputy leader William Joyce (Lord Haw Haw)

Deputy Leader of the BUF was William Joyce, later to defect to Nazi Germany and broadcast pro-Nazi propaganda across the channel throughout the war. Nicknamed ‘Lord Haw Haw’ by the British he was captured in 1945 and hanged for treason shortly afterward.

Defence regulation 18B

In late May 1940, Mosley and his wife, along with several other prominent members of the British Union of Fascists were imprisoned under Defence regulation 18B. This was an emergency power used to prevent any British citizen suspected of undermining the British war effort from aiding the enemy. The BUF itself was disbanded a few days later. However its legacy lives on.

Archibald Ramsay & The Right Club

Archibald RamsayArchibald Ramsay was a Scottish aristocrat and Conservative MP. He was a staunch supporter of Franco’s fascists during the Spanish Civil War. In 1935 he collaborated with German Nazi agents to found the Nordic League, an aristocratic version of Mosley’s BUF. Like the BUF, the Nordic League was deeply anti-Semitic and committed to establishing and maintaining a racially pure Britain. Ramsay was responsible for instigating a number of attempts to have Jews barred from political life in Britain.

In 1939 he founded The Right Club, a secret society of upper class Nazi sympathisers and anti-Semites whose stated aim was to expose and oppose organised Jewry. Members included Mosley, the traitor, William Joyce along with Anna Wolkoff and Tyler Kent who were subsequently imprisoned for passing classified information to the Nazis during wartime.

AK Chesterton

AK ChestertonAK Chesterton (not to be confused with author, GK Chesterton) was a prominent member of the British Union of Fascists, The Nordic League and The Right Club. Like his fellows he was staunchly anti-Semitic and pro-fascist. He left England during the second world war and went to live in Africa, presumably to avoid being forced to fight against his ideological brethren. However he maintained his far-right, anti-Semitic and openly racist views throughout his life and was instrumental in passing the baton of fascism down to the next generation of British Nazis – The National Front.

 

Chesterton, Tyndall and the National Front

John TyndallChesterton’s most prominent protégé was John Tyndall. Through Tyndall and his fellow acolyte, Colin Jordan the ageing Nazi sympathiser passed the baton of extreme right wing politics to the next generation. Tyndall joined his mentor, Chesterton in the League of Empire Loyalists, The National Labour Party (mirroring Hitler’s National Socialist Party) and The National Socialist Movement (with Jordan) until eventually the pair co-founded The National Front in the late 1960s.

The early years of The National Front, steered as it was by Chesterton and Tyndall saw the introduction of many better known modern neo-Nazis who also carry forward the baton of British fascism first brandished by Mosley, Joyce and Ramsay. Under Chesterton and Tyndall’s stewardship the NF nurtured the early political careers of people like Nick Griffin and Andrew Brons (later to become British National Party MEPs), Holocaust denier, Martin Wingfield and even Tommy Robinson. Tyndall and Colin Jordan eventually formed the White Defence League before uniting with John Bean to found the British National Party.

Andrew Brons had been a member of Colin Jordan’s National Socialist Movement, an affiliation he has repeatedly had to distance himself from in later years. In 1965 he joined the National front led by John Bean. This is not the same National Front that Tyndall and Chesterton founded in 1967 although its aims and ideology were the same – anti-Semitism, racial purity and neo-Nazism. Only in 1967, following a merger with Tyndall and Chesterton’s League of Empire Loyalists did the current National Front come into existence. With this merger, a critical mass of new-generation Nazis was re-established in UK and Mosley’s baton became a truncheon once again.

Combat 18 and Column 88

Combat 18 nazi

This newly imagined National Front gave rise to some of the most violent street warfare of the period. Groups like Combat 18 were as much the NF’s enforcers as Mosely’s ‘Biff Boys’ had been for the BUF. Named after letters of the alphabet, Combat 18 stood for A & H (Adolf Hitler). Column 88 whose initials stood for HH (Heil Hitler) was led by former British National Party stalwart Leslie Eric Lutz Vaughan. The column was a paramilitary Nazi group whose CO of operations was a former Black Watch Major called Ian Souter Clarence. The ‘good’ Major used to run military style training camps and was widely thought to have stockpiled weapons acquired after demobilisation of WW2 servicemen.

 

Both groups  have a string of convictions for intimidation, assault, harassment and even murder to their credit. More modern groups like The Pie and Mash Squad and the EDL’s breakaway ‘Infidels’ groups have their own links with these early bands of politicised street fighters.

Nick Griffin

Nick Griffin NF White PowerNick Griffin was mentored by Tyndall and followed his far-right tutor from the National Front into the newly formed British National Party. This erstwhile NF Street fighter rose to prominence in the BNP and eventually ousted his old mentor to take the BNP chair for himself. There he steered the party from relative obscurity to become the most successful British far-right party since Mosley’s BUF before financial irregularities and a string of law-suits brought his newly-built empire crashing down around his ears. Now the BNP is a shadow of its former self with many of its members defecting to join the ranks of street movements like the English Defence League and Britain First.

The BNP gives birth to the EDL and Britain First

BF East London Mosque ELM Robin Lomax political uniformchief of staff head of national security

Paul Golding had once been a member of the National Front but he followed his mentor, Nick Griffin into the BNP when still a teenager. With Griffin’s mentorship he rose to become Communications Officer on the party’s National Executive and was widely tipped to rise high in the organisation. That was until things started to fall apart.

Tommy (EDL leader) RobinsonStephen Yaxley-Lennon was a member of the British National Party under Griffin’s leadership. It’s unclear how well he knew Griffin personally but they certainly had shared contacts and their ideologies are broadly the same. It was Robinson who took the far-right baton in a new direction and abandoned politics, albeit temporarily to form the English Defence League, a street movement that once boasted up to 5,000 ‘foot-soldiers’ at its largest demonstration.

The English Defence League still exists but without Yaxley-Lennon (AKA Tommy Robinson) who has since been associated with the Muslim-led anti-terror organisation Quilliam and then the UK Branch of the anti-Muslim group, Pegida. More recently in a desperate effort to avoid a much-deserved obscurity he’s pretending to be a journalist. In truth he’s generally found causing trouble, getting into fights and then filming the retaliation of others whilst pretending to be a victim. These days he tries to assume an air of reasonableness but underneath he’s the same bigotted thug he always was.

British National Party fundraiser, Ulster Unionist and long-time pro-life campaigner, Jim Dowson became involved in a spat with Griffin over allegations of sexual misconduct. Dowson left the party in less than amicable circumstances and Golding went with him. Together they formed the anti-Muslim party, Britain First in 2010. They were later joined by former EDL ‘Angel’, Jayda Fransen and spend much of their time campaigning against Islam and ‘invading’ Mosques and Halal businesses. The pair regularly find themselves in court for harassment, breaches of bail and ironically for wearing political uniform, an offence under the Pubic Order Act of 1936, originally created to kerb Mosley’s black-shirted British Union of Fascists.

BF beyond UKIP cabaret invasion

Having recognised their ideological soul-mates in Nigel Farage’s UKIP, Britain First even set themselves up for a time as UKIP’s attack dogs. They harassed their opponents and mounted unofficial ‘patrols’ to ensure would-be demonstrators against UKIP were intimidated. They were a much less effective and actually quite laughable parody of the German Nazi party’s violent, brown-shirted ‘SA’. Golding, Fransen and the rest of the BF leadership have repeatedly called for their supporters to vote UKIP, presumably having noted the many similarities between UKIP’s extreme right policies and their own.

Most recently both Golding and Fransen have been imprisoned for racially motivated harassment and their organisation has been banned from the largest social media sites. It is this double-whammy blow to Britain First that has prompted EBF to rebrand itself and broaden our horizons. Britain First is dying but British fascism is not – so we continue.

BF Paul and Jayda Kent police mugshot

Godwin’s law revisited

It’s clear that step by step, generation by generation the British fascist baton has been passed down without interruption from mentor to student, from racist to racist, Anti-Semite to anti-Muslim, Nazi to neo-Nazi for almost a century now. As this series continues we’ll start to look at how the very same policies and ideological beliefs have withstood the test of time. Some have remained unchanged whilst others have adapted slightly in the face of modern attitudes and current events. But however they might have been adapted, disguised and given the superficial appearance of something far more moderate than they really are, the core of  fascism and Nazism remains unchanged.

Remember – Godwin’s law only applies if the people you’re talking about aren’t actually Nazis. In this case – they really are!

EDL Nazi salute swastike tattoo.jpg

 

View from a barstool #53 by Landlord

Well well well…..Facebook have finally seen sense and banned the biffers page from their social media platform, following twitter.

FB ban BF poll

But hold on a mo, the admins here at EBF are already debating whether to buy expensive champagne or a fiver special from Aldi. Are we out of work, or is this just the beginning of the beginning of the end.

As Screechy and Goldibollocks languish in their Victorian cells (their words not mine) the rudderless fascist ship races towards oblivion. The days of Lewis, Lomax, Carmelo, Besser and Slattery a now distant past and Councillor Bigot and the new gormless ones led by chief mousketeer Andy Edge, (who soon could also be serving time in a rotting jail) trying desperately to keep their magic money tree up. It appears Facebook are dealing a coup de grace to this vile, hate-filled bigoted group as it appears their only money grabbing platform is Facebook.

A new page is already up, Facebook have said they will remove but before they do it appears we can all comment on it. Three years of pent up hate from me will be unleashed when the kids go to bed.

ebf fb ban bf

But is it really over? Are we finally seeing the death throes of Britain First? Are we, the admins finally going to get back to concentrating on work, families and having a proper social life? Are we able now to become husbands, wives, mothers and fathers? Well… No. Screechy and Goldibollocks are still about, 36 and 18 weeks ain’t a lot of time. We were hoping years banged up but they aren’t.

So EBF continues until they’ve gone, either fucking off to Fascist enclaves in the Europe they hate or jailed for such a long time they become irrelevant. We’ll still, with your help, chase them, laugh at them and expose them until they decide they’ve conned enough money to fuck off for good.

But for now the ice machine is open the cheap Cava is opened and a celebratory sip is in order. The final push is on!

Cheers

Toodlepip

Deeper and down

I remember a song my dad used to play in the car when I was a girl. I don’t know who it was by but they were a popular band back in the dark ages when he was a teenager. He used to put the cassette (remember those) in the car stereo on our regular trips around the Lincolnshire countryside and it always seemed to make him drive really, really fast. He and my Mum would be singing at the top of their lungs, burning the repetitive refrain into my young brain with every journey. I can hear it now, the heavy base line and repetitive guitar that seemed to be the same for every song they played. And today, for some reason I just can’t get that lyric out of my head.

“Down, down… deeper and down”

Cue bass line (ba dum ba dum)

“Down, down… deeper and down

BF fash golding fransen court sentencing

And the reason this particular earworm is haunting me today? That’s easy. Golding And Fransen are going down, down, down… deeper and down

Ba dumb a dum

Down, down… deeper and down!

Yes, that’s right – their luck has finally run out. Today we got the verdicts of their first array of charges. There are more to follow but these were the first. Fransen faced four charges of various counts of harassment and was found guilty of three of them. Golding faced three charges and was convicted of only one. But here’s the good news…

Both have crossed the ‘custody threshold’ meaning that both are liable to go to prison. We’re awaiting pre-sentence reports before the actual sentence is passed but the case against them is pretty damning and considered alongside their previous ‘form’ it isn’t looking good for the fash this afternoon. See below for a blow by blow, minute by minute account of the day these thoroughly unpleasant and dangerous fash got their just desserts.

5:11pm

BF Golding drinking mock the right‘Folding Golding’ has already promised to ‘surrender’ and refrain from ‘this type of campaigning’ in future. He accepts that ‘mistakes were made by his actions but he plans to learn from that’.

So much for ‘No surrender!’

Apparently he never touches drugs or alcohol either!

Will Fransen fold as easily as her glorious Fuhrer?

5:15pm

Erm… We’re afraid so. This just in…

In future she will “change her conduct”. “What has changed is how she will conduct herself”

Will the judge buy it? Is anyone that naïve as to believe a word these neo-Nazi scumbags say? Only time will tell.

5:22pm

Kevin Smallcombe defending effectively said that not everything they do lands them in the dock. No kidding. Not everything Charles Manson did was illegal anyway – but plenty of it was – and plenty of Fransen and Golding’s actions are illegal too. When your only defence amounts to a statement that sometimes you do legal things too you’ve got a pretty weak stick to lean on.

Smallcombe asked the Judge to treat Fransen’s 3 convictions as if it was only 1. Fat chance of that. The judge said he’ll have regard to the ‘totality of the sentence’…

Down, down… deeper and down!

5:48pm

Custodial officers have entered the dock to stand beside the fash. This is getting interesting. Not long to wait until we can open the chocolate Hobnobs!

5:52pm

Golding gets 18 weeks – he’ll serve at least half and has to pay £500 compensation.

5:56pm

Fransen gets two consecutive 18 week sentences and another concurrent 18 weeker alongside, totalling 36 weeks in the slammer. She gets to fork out 2 grand compensation too.

Paul Golding Jayda Fransen prison bars jail

Yes, we know, we know – it doesn’t seem like nearly long enough but remember that this is only the beginning. There are more charges to come.

Wait until the Northern Irish courts get their hands on Dutchy and Goldibollocks. Now they really do know what to do with people who go around stirring up religious hatred and inciting violence.

Are you two scared yet? You should be!

 

Moley is no more

BF Rotherham FB meme Feb 28 2016Either you accept the reputation of a ‘grass’ or you turn a blind eye to injustice because not to inform on injustice, on thuggery, on betrayal of the people who support you is to allow that abuse to continue.

One of BF’s most senior officers, a regional commander no less, used to lead a double life. This person wasn’t only a well-known Biffer who will remain nameless, he was also Moley.

 

 

Beginning with EBF he graduated actually to gain the courage to tell the police what he knew on several occasions. He made it difficult for the rest of BF’s inner circle to operate. He made it easy for the police to know exactly what to look for on various raids of BF property. He told us things that often we were unable to publish directly but which we alluded to in several posts and memes.

And so it is with great sadness that we must report the untimely demise of Moley, our spy in the camp. A person who, far right or not, had the courage and integrity sufficient to spot a scam when he saw one and actually to do something about it.

BF Dudley Golding Jayda Lewis hide behind women with banner

His regular dispatches to EBF central for no reward other than the occasional hob nob with his tea will be greatly missed.

Of course this was inevitable and Moley knew from the start that this day would come. He knew he‘d never be trusted again by the right wing of UK activists and he’s no wish to join the left. The price of his conscience is political suicide. But Moley couldn’t stand by and watch the likes of Golding and Dutchy accept payment under false pretenses. Even as he too was accepting ‘donations’ for spurious purposes (to refuse the cash would have been too suspicious) he was plotting the destruction of the Britain First cash cow. He told us that he couldn’t continue conning his far right comrades out of money they could ill afford just to see the proceeds disappear on Golding and Fransen’s “coke and jollies”.

bf-jayda-fransen-discussing-show-trial-luton

As it happens we did OK out of that money too. Moley did buy the occasional packet of Hobnobs for the EBF office. By the time Golding reads that he’ll be looking forward to his own tea and prison issue digestives – perhaps they’ll choke him. The verdict may be delayed but it’s coming and everyone knows it.

Moley is now safely outside of the BF camp having let himself be gradually ostracised for some time. He’s OK with that. Not that he plans to retire. In fact he’s looking to hook up with a couple of former contacts, people who used to be on the periphery of BF but who might not know about the evidence against him.

If he can make it into that inner circle too we’ll give it a respectable few months and then begin again. After all, BF may be finished but there are other scammy cokeheads on the rise.

Go on Moley – go for it!

View from a barstool #44 by Landlord

Beer 2As 2017 comes in and we can at least bid a non-fond farewell to 2016 I was wondering just what this new year had in store for a grumpy, lefty, Muslim apologist landlord. I’ve had a look back at the year just gone, one in which it seems you can bomb the fuck out of somewhere, killing children, and a year that seems to justify fascism.

In Syria bombs continue to rain down on Aleppo, killing indiscriminately. Now I have an admission to make… I’m not particularly up on who’s doing what, where over there. I just can’t stand the fact that a whole bunch of innocent people are being killed by the west, Russia, their own government, Daesh and lack of food. The Biffer trolls’ favourite saying is “they should stay and fight” but fight whom, with what? Should they shoot the odd (not so) smart bomb with catapults?

Brexit has seemed to galvanise the right into thinking bigotry and abuse of anyone slightly off white is acceptable. Twitter and Facebook is awash with so-called celebrities writing statements that over a year ago would have seen them hauled over the coals. It seems that it’s ok to go up to foreign looking chappies and chappesses and tell them to “Fuck off home” even though their home is here. It seems ok to invade places of worship because their god is different to yours. It seems ok to racially abuse people in the street, all because a non-binding referendum seemed to say we hate foreigners.

Brexit send them back T shirt   Walsall halal butcher arson petrol bomb brexit

Well Katie Fucking Hopkins you failed at business, you failed at being a celebrity and you will fail at your pathetic attempts to shock. You see we laugh at you. I don’t care how you voted, as long as the reason wasn’t racial.

2016 also saw the deaths of many celebrities. Now call me a grumpy cuntspangle but I don’t see anyone as better than us, my television is limited to Sky Sports and peppa pig. I’m also someone who as a bar manager at Thorpe Park barred Katy Jordan (or something) as I really didn’t “know who I am” when she screamed at me. However during my formative years I did listen to a lot of Status Quo, a bit of Bowie, read a lot of Richard Adams and loved Star Wars so I am sorry they lost their lives. I also say RIP to all those who lost their lives in senseless wars, so called terrorist attacks or anything else.

The Americans have also managed to get the rest of the world united in a collective facepalm as they voted in a racist buffoon who is both financially and morally bankrupt. Us ‘lefteyes’ better run for cover… fuckwit is coming to town.

And now my favourite part of 2016, the beginning of the end of Bifferdom. They crave publicity and money. They want to be a “legitimate” political party who make all others quake in their boots. They want to outlaw a religion, not as they tell it but because it makes them money. What sort of year have they had? Well it’s been brilliant.

bf-paul-golding-prison-1

They’ve got a new camera, Screechy appears to have increased by a cupsize or two, Goldibollocks and Stevie’s waistline seems to have expanded. The two leaders have criminal records, Goldibollocks being interned at her majesty’s pleasure for ignoring a High court injunction and Screechy for bullying a young Muslim lady. They failed to make any inroads in politics. Screechy, Goldibollocks and his mum/family failed even to make a blip on the BBC’S colour chart in the mayoral election. Their conferences and road shows were supported by the same 20 followers, despite having twelvty million likes on Facebook. So the Biffers were a failure too.

As I look now to 2017 what can I expect. Well probably more of the same. Although teetering on the edge of annihilation whilst there is still money to con, the Biffer High command will continue to talk bollocks and fail in almost everything they do. Hopkins will continue to talk shit and no one will listen. Trump will bankrupt the US and the West will continue senseless bombing of countries that might have oil, or pipelines owned in part by media moguls.

170101-nye-london-celebration

But there is something I saw over the recent festivities, a coming together of all faiths (and none) sticking the proverbial two fingers up at Trump, Fartage, Daesh, Bifferdom, Hopkins et al. The left, centre and centre right all beginning, to use a movie quote to “be excellent to each other”. You see we, the normal non-bigoted people are fed up of all this cuntwaffle from the Nazi far right and have had just as much as we can take.

So I’m not giving up smoking, drinking or meat. My resolution is to be excellent to all. Apart from Biffers they can fuck off.

Toodlepip

A prison romance

This weekend something amazing happened. Big Ali “crusher” Mirza of Bradford had given up all hope of ever finding his true love when he went inside just under 7 years ago. Interviewed a couple of years back for the prison newspaper, ‘Her Majesty’s pleasure’ he said

“It’s all a bit crap really. Even the old geezer in C wing is starting to look pretty damn tasty. Please, somebody, let me shag you.”

BF Battle of Hexthorpe.jpgSkull-crushing runs in Big Ali’s family. His great great grandfather had been an official crusher at the palace of the Tipoo Sultan back in the day before the family immigrated to Britain after the partition. Ali’s 8 year old grandson, Hussain led the victorious defenders in the winning push bike cavalry charge at the Battle of Hexthorpe, forcing the invading Biffers to retreat in terror before the wheels of their tricycles and push bikes fitted with rear war stabilisers.

Where romance is concerned Big Ali’s standards seem to have dropped a bit. His latest flame, Paulie only arrived recently on the wing but the couple hit it off immediately.

ebf-prison“There’s been something missing in my life for the longest time. It’s like a big, gaping hole and Ali filled it” Paulie confided.

“Oh, I filled it, alright.” Big Ali’s eyes twinkled with the nearly indescribable joy of a lag with a green and ever so willing fag, a compliant new bitch to scratch his seven year itch.

“Big Ali’s changed my life.” Paulie admits. “I used to hate Poles but since I met Crusher’s I’ve changed my mind completely”.

As it happens Big Ali isn’t Polish at all. We’ve no idea what Paul meant by that comment.

But it’s not all smooth riding. The couple have turbulent times ahead. Paulie’s only a temporary visitor to the cell block while Big Ali plans to stay where he is for a good while yet. That’s what you get for crushing skulls with your bare hands.

“We’ll miss each other, of course” Says Crusher “but the course of true love never did run smooth.”

We asked Paulie how he felt about their impending seperation.

“Hmmshhpfpfgulp” He said , his face buried in an already remarkably well-chèwed prison issue pillow.

“we haven’t been seperated yet.” Ali butted in.

Our reporter could only agree.