A view from a barstool #18

 

Landlord in cellarHere we go again then, this time hidden away in the crisp and soft drink store. I just hope the barmaid doesn’t come in looking to restock as my chuckles have been quite loud this week. Fortunately with Hulk taking a few days out we didn’t have to call in the UN peace keepers for the continuing ruck between our green friend and Tank Girl arguing over the milk chocolate hobnobs. Prole and Kit no longer sit in the corner shaking in fear or rage (or was that uncontrollable giggling) and Mama has been found safe and well in the cleaning cupboard. Yifter and Ant have finished the decorating but the Dulux matching machine spewed out Biffer green instead of purple. As for me I put in 2 days appearance in the office (felt like a week) the rest was mole hunting (no really they have had the pub garden up.) and reading the page to give me some idea of what to write this week.

BF Dewsbury speeches Jim Dowson sermonFirstly the twelvty hundred million patriots who turned up in Dewsbury to march against something that really isn’t happening. Screechy, Goldibollocks and Uncle Jim were there so the reported 90-120 people who bothered to go would have heard the usual tosh that screechy normally turns out. I won’t go through it, the heavily edited video on Biffer Central shows it as no protesters were allowed near the cockwombles’ shuffle. They shouted their slogans again. No one heard them or took much notice and even though Goldibollocks said they would bring it against the Police orders, no No More Mosques banner was seen. Could it be that:

a) They are cowards, after telling their sheep they would;
b) They are cowards, after telling us that the Police couldn’t stop them or;
c) They are cowards.

The excuses for non attendance at this shambolic rally were even better. Not only had Northern Rail conspired against them and made all trains with any fucknuggets on them go straight past Dewsbury without stopping (easily debunked as an enquiry on Friday tells us that all trains that were supposed to stop stopped) and police stopped another million coming up by issuing section 35 orders. This meant that at least a million of their followers couldn’t make it. I did check the flights from the USA, Australia, India and Pakistan. Apart from a delay from Karachi all flights got in on or around the times stated. There also, so they told us, weren’t any activists arrested. Apart from our reports that 4 people were arrested for racially aggravated offences! I’ll leave that up to you to decide whether they were biffers or not.

EBF BF Dewsbury Dover competition lie police Jayda

So the biffers had their march and then a “social” after. As a Landlord this angered me. I would never ever let these arses anywhere near a pub but hey there are always publicans after a quick buck or that support their cause. Anyway EBF’s mole sent us some pics from there along with their official photo’s and on there was an interesting chap. EBFblogger has written more on him yesterday so I’ll leave it to her to report that stuff.

The powers that be are pissed off at the Biffers. Luton Council, along with Christian groups have asked them not to return, ever. Beds Police have decided to do what they should have done months ago and started looking for evidence of breach of conditions and also seeking an injunction to keep them out. Why is it Goldibollocks and Screechy along with their shittroopers don’t seem to be asked back to towns and cities across Britain, well England actually, the Scots, Welsh and Irish wouldn’t put up with them. Could it be that no one apart from your Trump loving friends in the US, your Antipodean supporters and your bought likes actually want you or your horrible vile kind of racism. We, the Huff post and other pages will open our pages up to Beds police and let them look at stuff we haven’t published for a concerted effort to rid ourselves of these conmen.

Finally the head of Biffer intelligence issued a call to arms on Exposing Britain First (I would call it a Fatwa but that would annoy them more) as our perfectly placed mole sent some lovely screenshots. Apparently we are a vile disgusting page with no ethics but I’ll leave that up to you to decide. All I can really do is smile and wave at them.

So thats what I’ve learnt this week.Apart from the knuckledragging cockwombles being a waste of Halal oxygen I’ve also learnt my WIFI booster gives me 4 bars of connection in the crisp store, the Landlady is a lovely, tolerant and beautiful woman, my ale has been once again granted the Casque mark because it’s rather tasty and I’m bored of the office without Hulk.

Cheers

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View from a barstool #17

Beer 2Here we go again, in spite of some reports EBF towers is still standing, despite a rampage by the Hulk and Tankgirl trying to find Ant’s secret stash of muffins. ACAS has been called in as Prole, Kit, #7 and Mama sit giggling in the corner over the number of biffers in Dewsbury. I’m sitting in my car keeping out of it as I have brought a crate of helium lager but think this might go a bit far. Also despite the best efforts of Britain First I am still married. This week I have hidden myself in the crisps store to write the blog with a gag on so my chuckles cannot be heard.

As I write 130 right wing so called patriots saw the light and descended on Dewsbury for what Goldibollocks and Dutchy tried to tell us would be their biggest yet! Although in Biffer terms they will probably tell us that 130 thousand hundred million have marched, flags and police appear to have outnumbered them once again. The police seem to have taken to the idea that no protesters could protest and they seem to have marched unopposed. I’m sure the EBF admins that have been there will give a better report so best leave it to them.

The Huff post also seem to have started an early campaign against the biffers. In their blog report today all denominations of Christians have come out against them and said the so-called Christian call to arms that Goldibollocks preaches is against all of their faiths. I would think that the only Christians that would agree with these vile individuals are in the Westboro Baptist church.

Earlier this week the biffer cowards went to Luton, to Bury Park which has a large Muslim population. They went with their crosses, stab vests and racist propaganda, without informing the police, with the sole intention of stirring up trouble and making a heavily edited video of it. I cannot see anywhere that eggs were thrown but I did see Dutchy arguing with a muslim lady about her attire. Dutchy screamed and the lady stood her ground despite the fact that she was cornered with her two children by the shittroopers. Dutchy seems to think that this was a victory but she would. The Christian parishes around Bury Park issued an apology and gave out roses and a statement saying that the biffers should stay away.

EBF BF Treacherous Christian leaders in Luton ecumenicism Islam churches together

Holocaust Memorial Day caused some issues on the page, as we published ‘never again’. There was an eerie silence from Biffer towers until late on in the day. We had a denier on the page but he was nowhere near as repugnant as some of the biffer sheep who decided that Holocaust day would be better remembered as the day to open the camps again for muslims and leftard do gooders (i.e us). Once again the true side of bifferdom was revealed.

EBF BF comments holocaust memorial day NaziNow I’ve calmed down a bit and the Landlady has gone to the cash and carry, I can report on two of the many things that have made me chortle this week. Firstly the video report of Goldibollocks in the “new Britain First TV studio” (in fact a £15 app from shuttlecock but allow them their delusions of grandeur) telling us how Dewsbury was going to be the biggest (cock up) demo of all time. Once again I couldn’t watch it all (don’t tell Prole or Kit or my hobnob ration will be severely curtailed) but let my fellow EBFers rip it apart. I can’t watch their video’s or “TV” appearances as they usually turn up on the days a certain barmaid works and I would be divorced pdq.

Secondly, the triumphant announcement (again) of Goldibollocks standing for London Mayor. Cue a begging letter this time for firty faaaasand million (defeated again on the office sweepstake). They are more interested with the media attention and the fact they can send out racist literature than they are over getting out and campaigning. They also, and I’m no lawyer like Dutchy, appear to have libelled the Labour candidate already. Now I’m not one for swearing but if these odious little fuckers get more than a few thousand votes then I will give up my Anti life, sell the pub and bugger off to an Island where I can’t be reached because we will have lost the battle.

BF Golding London Mayor May 2016 hang lefty traitor

It’s still so laughable though as Goldibollocks seems to think he can tie up career politicians in knots in a debate and work on a budget of Millions whereas the biffers can’t even create their own accounts. Let me repeat and I will do until I’m red in the face (or sober) this is a gimmick, a stunt to make money for the puppets and their master. They are not interested in the votes, they are there to line their pockets, create division and then cry foul on media bias and damn Muslim appeasers.

So I’ve calmed down, the gag is off, the quick check on the EBF towers shows CBS and EBFBlogger have calmed things down, Hulk is having a monster sulk (something about trolls I think), Tankgirl is sitting in the corner quietly and the others will finally get some work done. Have a good week I have a particularly lovely barrel of Champion Gold to polish off.

View from a barstool #10

Beer 2Hello all, a tired and very hungover Landlord travelled back to his pub from Somerset and decided to call in to Hobnob central or more commonly known as EBF towers. After the obligitary telling off for not bringing any oaty snacks as I only had a packet of twiglets and a couple of opal fruits in the car, I started to have a look through what the biffers have got up to.

After 15 minutes of trawling through the absolute lies and intimidatory bullshit through bleary bloodshot eyes I decided my round up this week wouldn’t be a roundup at all but a run through of the last evening that the Antifa Landords came up with during one of our shandy drinking binges (well one of us was drinking lager top). It decended into farce later on but thats another story. But before our session was over we had thought of a wonderful new reality TV program that one of us will send to channel 5, the working title is bigot first.

We found 6 people hungry for cash and media time found a house in one of those Donald Trump no go areas, or Britain as we like to call it, and left the cameras on. When we could be bothered we’d go back and check a) if they were still alive, b)if they had finished the Halal meat we left for them and c)if any of them had used any of the stock bigot phrases yet.

Day one. The introductions of the 6, Dutchy a feisty,somewhat scary woman,Goldibollocks, a suit wearing shouty man, Dim Jowson a bespectacled elderly gent nicknamed “uncle”, Pieman a rather rotund chap, who appears to say he wants to “take the jaws off people” if he’s not keeping the owners of Greggs in toilet paper, little Tommy R or whatever his name may be, he changes it every week, but another shouty man, and finally someone dressed in chainmail, helmet and tinfoil sword who calls himself Kay Tee I or something like it.

After the introductions the contestants went to their Dorms, one for Dutchy and one for the chaps. “I’m not staying in here it would be like the bloody muzzies segregating men and women” she said, “ah” said Uncle and Kay Tee, “but in our sect women are not equal either.”Goldibollocks was heard to say “no christian rumpy here then”.

As we disappeared down the pub, watching a bunch of bigots is not our cup of tea, we heard the beds scraping and the sound of pieman shouting “I’ll take your fucking jaw off if you don’t move these beds so they are facing North, I’m not sleeping facing Mecca” Tommy laughed.

1800, Jayda is in the kitchen making dinner, Uncle said it was her job Kay Tee agreed whilst Pieman wondered if his 50p off voucher at a well known bakers would still be valid when he got out. “I can’t cook this” the harridan screeched “look it’s got HMA on it, our page said not to it’s fucking halalalalalal.” Pieman said “does that mean all of it is, this water, banana, aaaaaaaaaaah it’s a lefty plot Exposing Britain First have left halal hobnobs in here” Tommy said in his best English “fook it I’ll eat it, just don’t tell Pegida or the EDL or the English Democrats or whoever I’m in charge of this week” and so they didn’t eat.

1845 time for bed, the paytrioots decided that as they can’t eat or drink anything as it’s all halal, all they can do is sleep, the production team decided not to tell them all that oxygen is halal too, that would be too funny…..

Day 2, and our bigots are all awake, so hungry that Kay Tee stood guard over them incase Pieman turned to bigot on toast. The production team (I’ll call them EBF for now) decided to send in Muslim kryptonite, a pack of bacon and a couple of crates of Stella, we want to laugh at them not kill them, we’re sympathisers not extremists after all.

EBF BF Big brother Jayda Fransen diary room

1200, Bacon and Stella consumed, EBF called Goldibollocks into the diary room and offered him the chance to meet dutchy in a snooker hall (well room) while the others decorate the room with security windows, panic alarms and give them all black shirts with bodycams on.

1300,  after an hour of “feeling normal” Dutchy and Golding are back with the group, suddenly a dog appears and starts to bark as Uncle begins a sermon and Tommy tries to write another bargain bucket best seller(on sale at poundland in a month) Kay Tee is kneeling waiting to be Templared, Pieman is running round threatening the dog with taking his fucking jaw out, Goldilocks and Dutchy are doing traditional daisy chains on the lawn.

EBF BF Big brother Golding diary room

1500, EBF have decided that all this is a bit nice so send in the first task. Making a nativity scene using only the finest goods from Harrods..although a couple of EDF took the labels off in case the name started a fight. After building the stables and manger, decorating it with straw they began on the disciples, or sheep as we like to call them.

1530, the Dutchy screech is heard…”get these islamic figures out of my nativity scene. They was English I tell ya, not rag ed’s at all and Joseph and Mary were WHIIIIITE!!!!.” Her eyes were bulging. Tommy said “calm down Dutchy” he said “it’s all a lefty plot, they really are just suntanned, not from the Middle East. It’s the same with St George he’s from Peckham really” Uncle continued to rock back and forth quoting the scriptures, Kay Tee is practicing his sword work with his £59.99 sword bending in the wind, Goldibollocks is on the calculator trying to work out how he and Dutchy an afford a trip to bigot land, or Trump Towers as we like to call it.

1531 it starts to rain.

1800, As the rain continues a flood ensues, Uncle tells all who would listen that it is because of the refugees, “it must be true I read it in our bible” he says and pulls out a copy of the Daily Mail.

1825, EBF call pieman into the diary room. After playing sounds of Gaspode barking, he threatens to “take our fucking jaws off” we hand him a letter from the Landlord of the property, Mr Shah who threatens our gallant bigots with eviction if they don’t pay £87 in rent. EBF also gave them a mobile phone to try and raise the cash.

1835, Uncle and Kay Tee have put out an appeal, with a picture saying ” The Templars on a fact finding mission to Serbia, working for you.” Tommy sent an appeal out to the EDL to storm the place but didn’t hold out too much hope as it was a Friday and Kebab and Stella night. Pieman gave his 50p voucher whilst Dutchy and Goldibollocks send a post out to the gullible along the lines of “Lefty plot to stop your leaders from their democratic rights to stay in a house. We have instructed our legal team to take on this lefty plot but you know how expensive this is, we really don’t want to ask you but if you could chip in to help us keep our freedoms. We need £5000 by morning, please dig deep.”

Day 3, Begging update, Uncle and Kay Tee have raised a grand total of nothing, Tommy had a couple of “I love you mate” an offer of a piss up and a chance to write another book, Pieman had raised 50p but his threats to take off a fucking jaw wouldn’t put him good stead. However Goldibollocks and Jayda had made the amount but told everyone they had made nothing, when EBF looked at the history on the phone, Thompsons Holidays was the last entry.

1200, the tension amongst the crowd waiting outside Bigot House is palpable, several police forces sent reinforcements as Bigot first’s events page showed 7500 coming. Numbers are amazing, at least 139 people were there, the police love the overtime.

1205, the Bigots emerge, victory is theirs, Uncle holds his bible aloft, Kay Tee holds his sword, Tommy has a stupid gring on his face, Pieman, spots a kebab van and falls over trying to get there first. Goldibollocks and Dutchy are asking for money for exclusive interviews, except to the lefty media which is everyone apart from the Fail.

1210 the crowd disperses, EBF come out of the house pissing themselves in laughter.

With apologies to whoever does another program on channel 5.
Landlord