This weekend something amazing happened. Big Ali “crusher” Mirza of Bradford had given up all hope of ever finding his true love when he went inside just under 7 years ago. Interviewed a couple of years back for the prison newspaper, ‘Her Majesty’s pleasure’ he said
“It’s all a bit crap really. Even the old geezer in C wing is starting to look pretty damn tasty. Please, somebody, let me shag you.”
Skull-crushing runs in Big Ali’s family. His great great grandfather had been an official crusher at the palace of the Tipoo Sultan back in the day before the family immigrated to Britain after the partition. Ali’s 8 year old grandson, Hussain led the victorious defenders in the winning push bike cavalry charge at the Battle of Hexthorpe, forcing the invading Biffers to retreat in terror before the wheels of their tricycles and push bikes fitted with rear war stabilisers.
Where romance is concerned Big Ali’s standards seem to have dropped a bit. His latest flame, Paulie only arrived recently on the wing but the couple hit it off immediately.
“There’s been something missing in my life for the longest time. It’s like a big, gaping hole and Ali filled it” Paulie confided.
“Oh, I filled it, alright.” Big Ali’s eyes twinkled with the nearly indescribable joy of a lag with a green and ever so willing fag, a compliant new bitch to scratch his seven year itch.
“Big Ali’s changed my life.” Paulie admits. “I used to hate Poles but since I met Crusher’s I’ve changed my mind completely”.
As it happens Big Ali isn’t Polish at all. We’ve no idea what Paul meant by that comment.
But it’s not all smooth riding. The couple have turbulent times ahead. Paulie’s only a temporary visitor to the cell block while Big Ali plans to stay where he is for a good while yet. That’s what you get for crushing skulls with your bare hands.
“We’ll miss each other, of course” Says Crusher “but the course of true love never did run smooth.”
We asked Paulie how he felt about their impending seperation.
“Hmmshhpfpfgulp” He said , his face buried in an already remarkably well-chèwed prison issue pillow.
“we haven’t been seperated yet.” Ali butted in.
Our reporter could only agree.