View from a barstool #10

Beer 2Hello all, a tired and very hungover Landlord travelled back to his pub from Somerset and decided to call in to Hobnob central or more commonly known as EBF towers. After the obligitary telling off for not bringing any oaty snacks as I only had a packet of twiglets and a couple of opal fruits in the car, I started to have a look through what the biffers have got up to.

After 15 minutes of trawling through the absolute lies and intimidatory bullshit through bleary bloodshot eyes I decided my round up this week wouldn’t be a roundup at all but a run through of the last evening that the Antifa Landords came up with during one of our shandy drinking binges (well one of us was drinking lager top). It decended into farce later on but thats another story. But before our session was over we had thought of a wonderful new reality TV program that one of us will send to channel 5, the working title is bigot first.

We found 6 people hungry for cash and media time found a house in one of those Donald Trump no go areas, or Britain as we like to call it, and left the cameras on. When we could be bothered we’d go back and check a) if they were still alive, b)if they had finished the Halal meat we left for them and c)if any of them had used any of the stock bigot phrases yet.

Day one. The introductions of the 6, Dutchy a feisty,somewhat scary woman,Goldibollocks, a suit wearing shouty man, Dim Jowson a bespectacled elderly gent nicknamed “uncle”, Pieman a rather rotund chap, who appears to say he wants to “take the jaws off people” if he’s not keeping the owners of Greggs in toilet paper, little Tommy R or whatever his name may be, he changes it every week, but another shouty man, and finally someone dressed in chainmail, helmet and tinfoil sword who calls himself Kay Tee I or something like it.

After the introductions the contestants went to their Dorms, one for Dutchy and one for the chaps. “I’m not staying in here it would be like the bloody muzzies segregating men and women” she said, “ah” said Uncle and Kay Tee, “but in our sect women are not equal either.”Goldibollocks was heard to say “no christian rumpy here then”.

As we disappeared down the pub, watching a bunch of bigots is not our cup of tea, we heard the beds scraping and the sound of pieman shouting “I’ll take your fucking jaw off if you don’t move these beds so they are facing North, I’m not sleeping facing Mecca” Tommy laughed.

1800, Jayda is in the kitchen making dinner, Uncle said it was her job Kay Tee agreed whilst Pieman wondered if his 50p off voucher at a well known bakers would still be valid when he got out. “I can’t cook this” the harridan screeched “look it’s got HMA on it, our page said not to it’s fucking halalalalalal.” Pieman said “does that mean all of it is, this water, banana, aaaaaaaaaaah it’s a lefty plot Exposing Britain First have left halal hobnobs in here” Tommy said in his best English “fook it I’ll eat it, just don’t tell Pegida or the EDL or the English Democrats or whoever I’m in charge of this week” and so they didn’t eat.

1845 time for bed, the paytrioots decided that as they can’t eat or drink anything as it’s all halal, all they can do is sleep, the production team decided not to tell them all that oxygen is halal too, that would be too funny…..

Day 2, and our bigots are all awake, so hungry that Kay Tee stood guard over them incase Pieman turned to bigot on toast. The production team (I’ll call them EBF for now) decided to send in Muslim kryptonite, a pack of bacon and a couple of crates of Stella, we want to laugh at them not kill them, we’re sympathisers not extremists after all.

EBF BF Big brother Jayda Fransen diary room

1200, Bacon and Stella consumed, EBF called Goldibollocks into the diary room and offered him the chance to meet dutchy in a snooker hall (well room) while the others decorate the room with security windows, panic alarms and give them all black shirts with bodycams on.

1300,  after an hour of “feeling normal” Dutchy and Golding are back with the group, suddenly a dog appears and starts to bark as Uncle begins a sermon and Tommy tries to write another bargain bucket best seller(on sale at poundland in a month) Kay Tee is kneeling waiting to be Templared, Pieman is running round threatening the dog with taking his fucking jaw out, Goldilocks and Dutchy are doing traditional daisy chains on the lawn.

EBF BF Big brother Golding diary room

1500, EBF have decided that all this is a bit nice so send in the first task. Making a nativity scene using only the finest goods from Harrods..although a couple of EDF took the labels off in case the name started a fight. After building the stables and manger, decorating it with straw they began on the disciples, or sheep as we like to call them.

1530, the Dutchy screech is heard…”get these islamic figures out of my nativity scene. They was English I tell ya, not rag ed’s at all and Joseph and Mary were WHIIIIITE!!!!.” Her eyes were bulging. Tommy said “calm down Dutchy” he said “it’s all a lefty plot, they really are just suntanned, not from the Middle East. It’s the same with St George he’s from Peckham really” Uncle continued to rock back and forth quoting the scriptures, Kay Tee is practicing his sword work with his £59.99 sword bending in the wind, Goldibollocks is on the calculator trying to work out how he and Dutchy an afford a trip to bigot land, or Trump Towers as we like to call it.

1531 it starts to rain.

1800, As the rain continues a flood ensues, Uncle tells all who would listen that it is because of the refugees, “it must be true I read it in our bible” he says and pulls out a copy of the Daily Mail.

1825, EBF call pieman into the diary room. After playing sounds of Gaspode barking, he threatens to “take our fucking jaws off” we hand him a letter from the Landlord of the property, Mr Shah who threatens our gallant bigots with eviction if they don’t pay £87 in rent. EBF also gave them a mobile phone to try and raise the cash.

1835, Uncle and Kay Tee have put out an appeal, with a picture saying ” The Templars on a fact finding mission to Serbia, working for you.” Tommy sent an appeal out to the EDL to storm the place but didn’t hold out too much hope as it was a Friday and Kebab and Stella night. Pieman gave his 50p voucher whilst Dutchy and Goldibollocks send a post out to the gullible along the lines of “Lefty plot to stop your leaders from their democratic rights to stay in a house. We have instructed our legal team to take on this lefty plot but you know how expensive this is, we really don’t want to ask you but if you could chip in to help us keep our freedoms. We need £5000 by morning, please dig deep.”

Day 3, Begging update, Uncle and Kay Tee have raised a grand total of nothing, Tommy had a couple of “I love you mate” an offer of a piss up and a chance to write another book, Pieman had raised 50p but his threats to take off a fucking jaw wouldn’t put him good stead. However Goldibollocks and Jayda had made the amount but told everyone they had made nothing, when EBF looked at the history on the phone, Thompsons Holidays was the last entry.

1200, the tension amongst the crowd waiting outside Bigot House is palpable, several police forces sent reinforcements as Bigot first’s events page showed 7500 coming. Numbers are amazing, at least 139 people were there, the police love the overtime.

1205, the Bigots emerge, victory is theirs, Uncle holds his bible aloft, Kay Tee holds his sword, Tommy has a stupid gring on his face, Pieman, spots a kebab van and falls over trying to get there first. Goldibollocks and Dutchy are asking for money for exclusive interviews, except to the lefty media which is everyone apart from the Fail.

1210 the crowd disperses, EBF come out of the house pissing themselves in laughter.

With apologies to whoever does another program on channel 5.
Landlord

Leaflet drop in Dewsbury

They’re at it again. Even as I type Golding’s groupies are inflicting themselves on the good people of Dewsbury.

EBF BF Golding Dewsbury Breeding ground of extremism.png

In yet another attempt to claim a town they don’t know in a county they don’t live in as ‘their own’, the Biffers are back where they’re not wanted to stir up as much trouble as they can before buggering off back down South to Swanley.

BF Biffer fuckwits in Dewsbury combo.png

What a good job the police have got their number.

EBF BF Dewsbury Golding police.png

It’s a lonely life being a Biffer!

EBF blogger post to Sitwell Arms re BF conference 2015BF Conference 2015 – what a washout!

On November 14th 2015, Britain First held its annual conference. It was an interesting affair, beginning with a bizarre ‘treasure hunt’ to find the venue itself. The Biffers met at a motorway service station where the actual venue was revealed amid a secrecy more reminiscent of Enid Blyton’s ‘Famous Five’ stories than a legitimate political party for grown-ups.

The actual venue was a place called The Sitwell Arms, a nice looking place, popular with fitness enthusiasts and newlyweds. It’s not the sort of establishment we would have expected to host a Nazi conference which makes us wonder whether or not the licensee actually knew what the booking was about.

We have contacted The Sitwell Arms via Facebook to ask them (and to offer to host a statement from them on our blog should they wish to make one). Since being identified as the venue by a Sheffield Anti-fascist group the hotel risks significant loss of trade. If they really didn’t know who they were playing host to, it’s only right that we at EBF try to soften that blow for them.

If they did know they may well have put their licence at risk. If they didn’t (which is entirely likely) Britain First has pulled another ‘fast one’ on some unsuspecting Hotelier and put the unfortunate licensee’s livelihood at risk. Under UK licensing regulations venues aren’t supposed to host racist events or encourage antisocial behaviours. Biffers are renowned for inciting terrorism and radicalising people against non-whites and Muslims so this conference would certainly fit the criteria.

We originally thought that only 30-35 Nazis met there last weekend to ratify the Britain First policies for the forthcoming year. Having reviewed more pics as BF posted them we’ve revised that figure to a massive 39 fasicsts (including the photographer). That was all they could muster. Most British people understand that our ancestors were right to oppose Nazism during the Second World War. They understand the huge sacrifice made by people of many colours, creeds and nationalities and they don’t want anything to do with Britain First’s attempts to rekindle Hitler’s abusive dream.

Unfortunately however, there are a few malcontents who continue to look up to Uncle Adolf. They pretend otherwise but then we see policies like those presented to the 39 sad dweebs at the Biffers’ annual conference and the illusion is shattered beyond repair.

These people are Nazis – plain and simple.

It’s not surprising that they had such a poor turnout. For all their deceptive clickbait campaigns and bought Facebook likes Britain First has never been particularly popular in the real world. What was surprising was the apparent silence of the Fuhrer, Paul (Folding) Golding. The Biffers co-founder and leader has yet to give a speech according to the published material currently being churned out by Britain First’s media machine.

That might be a ploy to get people like us to comment on Paul’s silence so that we’ll look silly when eventually the Biffers post evidence that he really had spoken all along. If so it’d be a particularly immature tactic on their part that can only demonstrate how little legitimacy they have. Realistically you’d have thought a ‘registered political party’ with aspirations to lead a fourth Reich would have more to crow about than a cheap ‘pull the Fuhrer out of the hat’ conjuring trick. Only time will tell.

For now we need to assume that Fuhrer Paulie really didn’t speak on Saturday. And that leads us to yet another question. Why not?

EBF BF Jayda Fransen elected deputy Fuhrer 3 years conference November 14th 2015Our Mole in the Biffer camp has long been reporting that Biffer central is becoming increasingly unsatisfied with Golding’s stewardship. Numbers are dwindling and it’s costing them a fortune (most of the donations they receive) to keep up appearances buying Facebook likes from overseas click farms. His inadequate oratory and lack of political acumen mean that he has increasingly been seen as a liability. Whether he actually gave a speech at the 2015 conference or not doesn’t change the fact that his premiership is at risk. Word has it that Deputy Fuhrer, Fransen is set to take over when Paulie is ousted from office (and quite possibly expelled from the party) in May or June 2016.

This may explain the 3 year vote of confidence that saw Jayda confirmed as Deputy until 2018. That won’t prevent her from taking over the leadership in 2016. It just makes it automatic once Paul is expelled. The Biffers are stitching him up because he’s just not profitable enough.

In place of Fuhrer Paul we saw a rare appearance by co-founder and Britain First financer, ‘Jolly Jim’ Dowson. He was supposed to have left Britain First at around the time he first got into hot water over the infamous Northern Ireland Flag Protests. He’s no stranger to political conflict.

Jolly Jim treated the assembled throng to what can only be described as a religious sermon where he misappropriated a verse from the Holy Bible to make the outrageous claim that Christianity is all about the destruction of non-Christians. It’s hard to tell how the congregation of Nazi cockwombles received this message from the would-be Rev. Dowson but we imagine it wasn’t too convincing, even for Biffers. We don’t imagine many British Nazis are particularly interested in Christian doctrine anyway. It’s a good clip to stick on Facebook though. That way BF’s American donors, the paranoid, Republican, Christian right wingers might cough up a few more fascist dollars for the Biffers’ beleaguered bank balance.

EBF BF Dowson sermon terrorism incitement conference November 14th 2015What we can glean from this disgraceful misappropriation of Holy Scripture is the undeniable fact that Britain First uses religion to radicalise and incite both hatred and violence. They regularly criticise ISIS for using the Quran to radicalise Muslims and yet here they are using the Bible to do exactly the same thing. It really is difficult to see how Britain First and ISIS differ.

EBF BF Dowson Holy War crusade quoteThey both pretend to speak for a major religion.
They both misrepresent and undermine the religion they claim to represent.
They are both despised by the vast majority of the faithful.
They both want to incite violence and start a ‘Holy war’ on the streets of Europe.

It’s easy to infer the desire to start a Holy War from Britain First’s behaviours but actually we don’t need to. Dowson made that point very clear a couple of years ago when speaking with Channel 4 Television. Jolly Jim genuinely seems to believe that violent uprising against Islam, extermination of the faithful, peaceful Muslims in our midst would be a good thing. This is precisely the same attitude that Hitler had against Europe’s Jews. It’s Nazism – pure and simple. And it’s dangerous.

That’s why we take heart in the knowledge that less than 40 people turned up for the conference. Those that did were treated to a tacky, plastic ‘medal’ that looks uncannily similair to the cheap keyrings that Britain first has been unable to sell. We bet those Nazi activists felt really valued as Fuhrer-in-waiting Fransen presented them in front of the half empty function room. Such is the fate of Britain’s fascist minority. Sleazy ceremonies in secret locations with Christmas-cracker style medals complementing extremist rhetoric from religiose fanatics.

EBF BF conference medals November 2015It’s a lonely life being a Biffer!