Landlord reports for EBF News from Whitechapel

Welcome to EBF News bringing you an independent view on all things Biffer. I’m just hearing in my earpiece (paid for by hobnobs, not patriots) that Landlord has been naughty again, refusing to watch Biffer TV and has been sent to the East London war zone (or ‘East London’ as we like to call it). We’ve decided to send him there as he likes a beer and being in Shakira controlled East London he won’t be able to get one. Over to you Landlord, what’s happening.

Beer 2“Well Prole, thanks for sending me here. From my vantage point in the Leman Tavern serving only the finest Halal ale, there are a couple of Lager pumps, Guinness, a couple of ales and a lovely atmosphere”

“Landlord, we sent you over to see what was happening outside the mosque, please go and check for EBF news”

“I’ve just heard there’s a thousand Biffers, no make that 5 faaasand brave patriots and 6 million muslims. SO13 are there with the national guard, dogs and an aircraft carrier”

“Landlord get out of the pub and go and see…….now!”

Muffled swearing is heard as Landlord gets off his stool

“Do you do take outs?”

2 minutes later…

BF East London Mosque ELM Robin Lomax political uniformchief of staff head of national security

“OK Prole, I’m across the road now, my previous estimates were a little bifferish, there are 30 idiots, I mean patriots holding crosses, flags and election paraphanalia and about 50 or 60 blokes trying to get into the mosque to pray or something. The police are there trying to get the rabid idiots to move on but Screechy seems quite taken with a muslim bloke.” I’m looking for their new bestie Evan Davis but he must be hidden at the back, either that or a dragon has taken him.”

“what about the biffers anything happening”

“Yes Prole they seem to be arguing with the 10’s of thousand muslims that are about brandishing KKK crosses and all. Must have had a kicking the last time they went out as there seem to be a lot of walking sticks.”

“how many muslims….have you been drinking?”

BF tens of people gather East London Mosque“Yes Prole, and someone has just given me another one…..ermmmmm there’s about 50 people wanting to go into the mosque to pray. The police have turned up. Apparently they were called by someone to say there might be trouble. Blimey someone isn’t going to have an omelette tonight. They’re lobbing eggs at the proud patriots.”

“Anything else”

“Yes the police appear to be moving the biffers on, someone is singing We’ll meet again (or I could have made that up)….Aaah our proud patriots seem to be preparing for the Biffer marathon or something… they are running… yes they are definitely running. Reminds of me of Monty Python. Brave Sir Goldibollocks ran away. Someone has aimed a kick at the biffers, made Eric Cantona look like a murderer. They look very frightened of the 20 or so people going after them. Oh look the police can’t keep up. All that running away is making them fit. The Chief of Staff, Screechy and Goldibollocks appear to be the most frightened, biffer security is in complete disarray.”

BF run away from East London Mosque

After the break more live news from the meant streets of East London…

“Landlord can you tell me whats happening now”

“Yes Prole I can”

“well”

“I’m chatting to the Landlord of the pub in the Shakira Muslim patrol area, and he seems to be the hub of the community. Beer tasted good though!”

“What about the biffers?”

“What about them, they are cockwombles…..hold on”(muffled talking and laughing going on) Apparently there are some light injuries and two biffers have been arrested.”

“How have you got this information”

“Well Prole, I met a journalist who’s a friend of EBF news, he seems to have all the info. Can I concentrate on beer now and will you stop sending me out to cover the biffers there’s only so much I can take!”

“That was the Landlord live in a pub in Whitechapel, anything reported could be rubbish as he has had a couple.

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