Picture the scene, Goldibollocks marching into a (real) TV studio, with his henchmen to meet Screechy’s bestie Nick Robinson. The prospective mayoral candidates are all being granted a 20 minute interview and Der Fuhrer and his shittroopers are on their way for their turn. In front of a TV audience of several Goldibollocks, looking like the thug statesman he wants to be is getting made up ready for his chance to shine.
The announcer. Welcome to all of you tuning into this q&a between Nick Robinson and Mr Goldibollocks of the biffer party, keeping Britain British and all that innit. Lady and Gentleman please welcome Mr Robinson and Mr Goldibollocks.
(cue Benny Hill music)
- NR. Good afternoon Mr Goldibollocks
- That’s just what I expect from you lefty journalists calling everyfink afternoon. In Britain it’s now evening, it’s already a muzzie conspiracy, I thought screechy told you that down in Rochester.
- Well in my defence I didn’t know who she was.
- See another conspiracy from the biased lefty media against our legitimate political party. She’s the darling of Britain and I didn’t move in with her just to be able to get on the ballot paper, oh no, that’s down to those bastards at EBF that is, those people will hang when we take over power HAHAHAHAHA.
- You can’t go around hanging anyone who disagrees with…..
- (shouting to Lomax) Commander in Chief take his name for the hanging list
- Can I start the interview now Mr Goldibollocks
- So you have applied to be Mayor of London and your family and deputy are up for the London Assembly. Can I start by asking why?
PG Well we was having a beer down the Old Dog and Duck and that Mooselimb Sid Khan was on the tv giving it all that. Then I was having a Cuzzer with Screechy and the high command I almost spat my Korma out when they said anyone could be Mayor. I told my muckers to find out all about it, get it funded by our twelvty million gullible supporters, and Jims my Uncle here I am.
- But that’s not a real reason?
- You’re already trying my patience, you appeaser. I want to take my party into oblivion obviously.
- We had a look at your accounts and there seems to be more holes in there than substance, if you can’t manage your own accounts how can London trust you with a budget of Billions?
- Well Stevie is no good a keeping banners but seems to be able to do our accounts. We use the Barings bank method and hide our heads in the sand. If anyone questions us we have our back up plan…ban the burka, no more mosques, no more halal.
- But there is a budget of 16billion last year how will this be distributed?
- Ban the Burka, no more Halal, No more mosques.
- What is the total amount you, as an individual, earned from Britain First including salary and expenses?
- Well I had a good year last time out. The gullible fools on our Facebook Page provided all that the high command required to live on. I mean look at Screechy’s tits they ain’t cheap. And hiring a pool hall for an evening that ain’t a couple of quid.
- You call them gullible fools aren’t they going to see through you now.
- Most of them are bought likes, the others are mostly from the US who think they can vote!! The money keeps rolling in it’s great!!
(A loud wail is heard as Screechy shouts)
Screechy. Goldi!!! Shut the fuck up for God’s sake!
- Given that except for Jayda every BF candidate this May is either a relative or neighbour of your mother – this is just ‘jobs for the boys’ style nepotism isn’t it?
- Have you seen the rules for the election, must have been drawn up by some lefty muslim. I mean how can I get my high command in when they don’t live in London. My Ma and family are fully behind me and if I knew what nepotism meant I’ll hang you.
- If indeed Britain First is a Christian organisation, why does almost every Christian branch reject Britain First, and why does Britain First speak ill of certain Archbishops, when they have gone against Britain First?
- No one is more Christian than us, No One I tell you, have you seen our triumphant marches with our crosses. The other branched of Christianity are nothing but libtards and unwashed lefty muslim appeasers who will be hung so High Priestess Screechy can take her rightful place on the throne.
- Why does Britain First not talk out against white, English (and often Christian) criminals (including terrorists), when they expect Muslims to denounce Muslim criminals (including terrorists) every 30 minutes?
- Because white christians never ever break the law. In fact when I am leader of the universe all white christian crime will be wiped from the record books, as long as you hold a cross or a bible you will have done nothing wrong. And if you wear fleeces with our emblem you get to stone a muzzie.
- Why does Britain First continue knowingly to flout the law, and then get annoyed when they have been caught?
- Ban the burka, no more mosques and Ban Halal.
- If IS are deemed to be true Muslims by BF, due to following the Qur’an very literally, does this mean that BF are not true Christians as Jayda should not be speaking according to very literal text ?
- Not in our Bible…the Biffer cherry picked verses bible.
- There is criticism that you have tried to say that only Muslim men are capable of grooming and sexual offences against minors yet one of your own is on the sex offenders register. What do you say to those who raise this issue?
- Well Nick you lefty, ban the burka, ban Halal and stop building mosques.
- This is going well. How about this question. how will you maintain the status quo in the capital with its diverse multi culturalism?
- Status Quo! I liked ‘Whatever you want’.
- The question still stands
- Well seeing as I’m building a wall just inside the M25 to stop anyone slightly multi-cultural or foreign-looking getting in… London for the British. Ban Halal, Ban the burka and stop building mosques.
- So that’s the sum total of the Biffer manifesto then, Ban the Burka, Ban Halal and close all mosques.
- Not at all. We stand for more pies for Stevie, free tit jobs for all Biffer high command, new banners, Freedom of the City for Uncle Jim. Loads really.
- You are having rallies outside the capital. As people not in the capital can’t vote isn’t this a little silly?
- This is where you lefty media types are wrong. All our millions of followers can vote for us, postal vote forms are being posted to America, Coventry is a well known area of London and we will not be stopped. It’s all lefty Muslim appeasers that have stopped non Londoners from voting and we will not stand for it.
- What happens if you don’t win and all this has been a tremendous waste of money?
- Uncle Jim has already told us we will win and he’s never wrong. I mean we have Knights and shit behind us. And if we don’t it will be because the vote has been rigged by the establishment to keep us out.
- So to sum up your attempt at seizing control of the capital, you will ban the burka, ban Halal, tear down the mosques, kick out anyone non-white, rape the banks, put banners up, buy more pies, make a hate preacher ‘Freeman of the city’, hang lefty’s and screw this great capital into the ground.
- About right, but I’d also make the admins and followers of Exposing Britain First watch our compendium of videos of Screechy until they repent.
- Well I’d like to thank you for this interview. Like to, but I can’t, you useless bunch of spunktrumpets.